This Is an Uncoincidental Incident

I've moved...

2009-01-02T23:06:00.002+08:00

PEOPLE!
2009 has seen a move on to... www.xanga.com/mandyman27
I'm leaving this here for the old archives. In the meanwhile, do check out my xanga, and relink me. Thank you very muches!

2008-12-28T23:22:00.002+08:00

I admit that I am in love with not only Phael, but Koalas too.

I mean, would you look at that cute face! I almost had a cuddle with it. Its just so cute. They are quiet and gentle creatures. Ah. Koalas.

So school is starting, hurrah yes or no. This Christmas period has been so rushed. I got back from Australia and now its Christmas already. It seems like it passed way fast, too fast. All I can say is that at least this Christmas was heaps better than last Christmas, with all that emotional nonsense.

Now everyone's nervously counting down the free days left till the 5th of Jan, well, all those taking O Levels next year. I just want to erase all this stress an restlessness I'm already starting to feel.

Fels is off to America. We stayed over in the airport yesterday and I was just so tired and stoned during it. But I am gonna miss Fels, the cutest human being alive.

Watching Twilight tomorrow with Phael and Freeds and maybe Ec. Been waiting for it to come out, and no I'm not raving over Edward Cullen or Robert Pattison. I wanna see if the movie does bring alive the world that the book did.

2008-12-17T08:27:00.003+08:00

2 months ago.

I'm glad I can finally come out here and say, yes, Raphael is my boyfriend and be open about it. Yesterday we came clean with everyone, really. Of course the first to know was Freda and Eugene and they're happy for us TTM (To the Max, jayni's phrase, of course) and just knowing we had their blessing was a big thing for me.

Next, we let Jo know. Together. But she knew what we were going to say before we even opened our mouths. I mean, why else would we both want to talk to her together? She gave us her blessing too, Mommy Jo (: The only people left are my parents. Its not a very good time to tell them but I so want to share this joy I've found and God has blessed me with in my life with them but I do not think they're open about it.

The said they;d give me space and not push me or force me to open up but well, that only lasted for a few weeks and then Idk where it went to. Truth to be told, I'm very disappointed. Almost to the point of regretting telling them I had feelings for Raphael a month ago. I know their concerns; but I feel they aren;t giving me space.

Anyway. I'm happy (: Insanely happy beyond anything. Now we can do couple things and not feel guilty about doing it when we weren't in a relationship. The most important thing is God, of course. I love the fact that God's in the centre of this and we both know its all planned. As I walk side by side, hand in hand with him on this new journey, I know we're not walking alone.

And how he builds me up to become a better person in Christ. His own personal journey has taken leaps and bounds in the last two months and I am truly amazed by the power of God's healing love and the blessings he has heaped out on us.

I love you, Phael.

Phael

2008-12-16T23:20:00.001+08:00

How blessed I am to walk with you in God's love. (:

This is the love that the Lord hath made
That you and I, we are one.

Why we blog?

2008-12-11T11:47:00.003+08:00

I really have to start uploading pictures. I know words bother many people. Sometimes I just wonder why I blog. Why, do I?

Creative outlet, I wonder, or just expression of feelings or as most people look at it, someone that will listen.

Why DO people blog, then? Are we all writing our own column for people to be updated on our lives, especially for those we haven't kept in contact with?

Or maybe we just need somewhere to rant to, somewhere where we know someone will at least see and maybe sympathize with.

Or maybe we hide hidden mesages, write obscurely nonsensical philosphical lines in hope that the person who we really want to talk to will make some sense of it.

Or maybe, we just have hours to kill everyday and we just need to kill it and we hate maple story or whatever everyone is playing now.

I guess for me, its a bit of everything. Some times I churn out really blogworthy blogspots about issues that concern me. Sometimes I just rant on. Sometimes I leave hidden messages for you to read between the lines and sometimes, I just want my thoughts and words up somewhere where maybe a random person might see and connect with.

As Josh Groban sang "Everybody wants to be understood", everyonebody DOES want to be understood and heard. People have different ways of achieving that. Why don't we just talk to someone, then? Well, maybe because we want to type it. We want to play around with words and fuel our creative sides! Maybe we're so sick of being interrupted in conversations or maybe because a blog is, in a sense, free for all to see (unless its privated) and those who don't want to don't have to.

Its a way to reach out to the masses, for random blog surfers like me who just like knowing what other people around the world think about their lives in seconds.

Well. I like to blog and I'm not ashamed of it.

Whether I blog about worthwhile stuff or just boring nonsense, whatever.

Fels is moving to The US or A.

2008-11-29T11:02:00.013+08:00

I'm gonna miss you Fels,
like anything!

Bye bye cutest human being in the world. Misses!

2008-11-27T17:31:00.003+08:00

Two weeks away have become two days away, and not without their own share of struggles, either. But I guess God's really rewarded me during so I didn't go completely without for two weeks (:

So next, its onto two MORE weeks in Sydney. Hillsong with Jeremy Chua on the first night, thats gotta be awesome. It just hasn't hit me I'm realising a dream... SERVICE IN HILLSONG! I'm actually going to BE THERE. The place where it all those songs that brought me to God in the first place came from.

So, what has passed? Celina and Franklin's wedding, it was really touching, I felt just so happy for Celina and she cried when taking her wedding vows; Franklin's a good man!

Then my utter mortification during the Feast Day Dinner singing that unmentionable song!

So much has happened, so much has passed. I was watching Henry Poole Is Here, awesome movie and was inspired to churn some lyrics out. Once in a blue moon.

I found a left and made it right
I felt the feeling in the air tonight
And I know
I've got my life

I danced the morning rain upon
Your skin, your face, your voice is home
I kissed goodbye the memories of the past

We know not the pleasure
Of a lifetime spent together
But we look forward to the break of a day
The start of a journey

Given by God for a reason
I feel you words right in my blood
And I know
This is meant to be

2008-11-21T23:22:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow's Celina's wedding. And feast day dinner. I'm currently feeling quite under the weather. My long time enemy toomuchfood is back ):

I've been feeling way too tired the past few days even though I'm on holiday. I haven't had the best nights recently, them stained with restless dreams about random moments of my day and haunted by a few moments of relief. Last night I got up at 330am, took a pee and felt wide awake and contemplated calling Freda because Jo and Ec slept over (I would have, only mum didn't let me) and I bet they were still awake. Somehow, though, I fell asleep and dreamt more restless dreams until I woke up at my usual time... 10.15am and just snoozed till about 10:30am. I've been lacking Raphael's ability to just get up and lie awake (occasionally snoozing) for hours on end, just thinking.

I miss the Koh brothers. Its been approx. a week since they left for Thailand and according to their itinerary their somewhere near Chiang Rai in Luang Prabang right now. 7 more days 'till they arrive back and then I've got a few hours with Phael before I leave for Sydney for 2 weeks.

Dwayne, Freda and me were just saying how we missed Timmy and how his lame jokes just seem to be missing. Yeah I do quite miss Timmikins, though he'd kill me for saying that. Lame jokes have been a very short supply and its not the same hanging out without Timmy's antics.

I miss Phael. Miss his laughter, his company, his teasing, his silly jokes, his listening ear, our nightly talks, our constant texting, his presence in my life. Already I've felt like everything has been a dream.

So Raphael and Timmy, come back soon, for eXcess misses, especially Amanda, Sean, Freda and Dwayne!

So under the weather. Gosh I've been eating so much and not exercising and my total lack of self-control is really biting me now and my sleep hasn't been very good lately and on top of that I miss Phael like anything. Though the past few days has been quite eventful, played LAN for the first time and killed my brother with a SNIPER and killed Chris with a pistol BUT I got knifed by Dwayne and well it was all exciting for me!
Today, preparations for feast day dinner tomorrow, hanging with the rest and tomorrow morning is Celina's wedding (FINALLY!) where I'm singing but I don't really know one song and I'm sort of singing for the Feast Day Dinner thing and Sunday, I don't know what I'm doing but I just feel like hiding away somewhere in my secret hiding place with a few people and just passing time away.

):

Drops Of Jupiter

2008-11-19T12:21:00.003+08:00

Tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet? Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day and head back to the milk way?

And tell me, did venus blow your mind? Was it everything you wanted to find and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there.

Hello all. Its been eons and eons since I updatedbut I've got to say life has takin a very interesting turn and its called for strong faith and self-control to stick to convictions!

Its called upon love to set us free, and love for others.

All eXcess members are back- people we've missed, FREDA, Eugene, Jenny, almost for Veron, and Jayni and Fels are coming along for h2o+ next week, can't wait dearies! Last night's h2o was HUGE, we're expanding yay only, now we've got to REALLY expand the number of girls. However, The Koh brothers, Timmy and Raphael are in Chiang Rai now and only coming back on the 29th, which is when I leave for Sydney AGAIN.

Well, you know that feeling I used to blog about being something around the corner? Something missing? Well I've found it. NOw its all about just making sure I don't lose it again.

Worship with God has been awesome (: eXcess music is coming along!

Come back soon, dearest phael. Mandy man misses ):
The best soy latte that you ever had... and me.

There is a light through that window

2008-11-03T22:02:00.004+08:00

There is a light through that window
Hold on, say yes
While people say no

Make a wish tonight.

2008-10-25T19:27:00.003+08:00

Sometimes you just come out of a place and you say "yes" to

the Lord and a new life begins. Full of promises, its said.

Well. Never did I expect when he said "Be patient" to me, he meant patience even when something's already there.

I was always told that God probably said "no" to me because he said something better around the corner. I guess I thought it'd take forever for me to turn. But no. God did!

I don't know where this is going. But you know. I'm glad. I know its from God. I know this is.

It feels like this is making up for all the times everything was wrong. Like this is right for all the times it was wrong.

It feels like I'm just following the road God is mapping out for me, not trying hard to forge my own path.

I feel like its natural.

I feel happy and I feel like I can be who I really am.

I don't filter as much.

I don't try as hard.

I'm just grateful.

I think I made a wish upon a star.

"Make a wish tonight, all the stars are out, its out of your hand but not out of reach" -Stitches, The Dykeenies.

2008-10-24T00:04:00.002+08:00

Today was a bit better.

I realise why I have been feeling so empty at home.

Because I've been feeling so empty within.

I felt very negative today, despite positive energry from Meishi, Nicole, Andrea, Marie, Kat, Liz and all.

But I sat myself down by my window when I got back from piano. In the dark, watching the cars go by past the Australian International School on the CTE.

And I felt connected. Time by myself was good.

And then I watched Walk The Line. Inspiration for music.

I broke a barrier. I got called back for a dance audition (: Tomorrow. Then Emu's birthday.

I feel alive.

2008-10-20T20:39:00.002+08:00

I like this because its something I want to be able to say truthfully.

Barrier Breakers Do not let people determine their destiny.

I told myself "Today was bad but tomorrow will be better" before I went to sleep. And it was.

And in the toilet at school, I saw this small poster that said

"Beauty is how you feel inside, it is not something physical" -Sophie Lauren

We watched Mona Lisa Smile today. The first part.

It got me in the morning, but it got better.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel...

2008-10-19T21:57:00.010+08:00

Like you
Don't understand.

Like I don't
Know why.

Oh why.

Like labels get
Too much
And we
Get scared of the
Grasshoppers
Invading our lives.

Like it

don't matter.

Like you

misread me.

Like I

am forgetting.

Like I should've held

myself properly.

Like I'm tired.

Like it's never

gonna end.

Like you

are gone.

Like you

don't care.

Like there's too

much negativity.

Like there

is no room.

Like I need

my space.

Like I need

to love

Myself

More.

Being an Overweight Christian girl in a superficial world.

2008-10-12T22:03:00.007+08:00

I don't know what exactly struck me to blog about this, revealing some of my worst insecurities to readers.

I guess it's because lately, through listening and helping friends with their problems, I've said this numerous times: I'm struggling with it too, I just want you to know you're not alone.

Probably because I've been struggling with ideas about being a teenager, things like accepting oneself, superficiality, dating, etc. And most of all, dealing with these as a Christian teenager.
I still have a lot of unanswered questions and this is really just a poole for my thoughts and I'd really like to hear your views on some of the issues I'm gonna bring up and will be bringing up in future. Okay, here we go:

BEING AN OVERWEIGHT CHRISTIAN GIRL IN A SUPERFICIAL WORLD

Firstly, please don't get me wrong. This is not just for Christian girls, but for all non-Christian girls. I put the word Christian there as being a Christian will strongly influence the way I address and look at this issue. All are invited to read and answer questions!

For most of, or rather, for the whole of my teenhood, I have struggled with being overweight. It doesn't help that I am short and below the average height of girls my age. Many people will say things like it's the inside that counts or beauty is just skin deep, that sort of thing.

But sometimes I question: Why can't I be beautiful even though I'm overweight? I mean, it is true that it is the inside that counts, but sometimes that doesn't make me feel a whole lot better, because ultimately, people (especially guys) look at appearances.

Why must I be skinny to look beautiful? Why can't I be big and beautiful too? (Putting the health aspect aside- right now I'm focused on weight as a factor in looks).

You know, many girls are trying to lose weight. And whether you are skinny or fat, the motivation for it is too look better.
While some are losing weight to be healthy, most of us teenagers, including myself, lose weight because we want to look better and then try to convince ourselves its because we want to stay healthy. WHY? Why do we want to convince ourselves?

Which leads to my next question: Is there anything wrong in wanting to look better?

I don't mean to say that defensively, but neutrally. I guess most of us feel guilty for wanting to look better, for putting on make up. I ask myself why sometimes I feel ashamed for wanting to look better.

I guess it is because by admitting I want to look better, I admit that looks matter to me, therefore I am superficial.
But really, does wanting to look better mean you are superficial? God created us beautiful in his image, right?

But who is to say that God doesn't want us to be beautiful in mind, spirit AND body?

So is there anything wrong with wanting to look more beautiful?

Does it mean that just because you want to look more beautiful you are discounting inner beauty?

Somehow, don't think so. I guess its important then, that we try and find out what God's definition of beauty is. On further reflection (though I do need to read up on the bible to confirm my thought), I think God's definition of being beautiful is being HEALTHY.

Therefore, it is not wrong to want to be beautiful which means being healthy which means losing weight, is it?

And another issue is... attractiveness. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want to look more beautiful or pretty because I want guys to notice me. Hey, I'm human and even though I know looks don't make a strong relationship, I still feel the downness of it. Maybe some guys won't understand this, but its a struggle I still go through.

So, is it wrong to want to be more attractive to the opposite sex? Right now I'm reading a book on sexuality for young women called "Every Young Woman's Battle- Guarding your mind, heart and body in a sex-saturated world" by Shannon Ethridge and Stephen Aterburn.

It says that "Part of God's perfect plan is that we are so physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually drawn to the opposite sex that we long for closeness with each other,"

See,my emphasis is on physically drawn to the opposite sex. So, thinking about ti further... God created us to be naturally physically drawn to the opposite sex... so its not wrong if you are!

However, clearly, God wants us to be physically drawn to the right person for us (I'll be blogging about the whole topic of dating and such one day).

So is it wrong if we want to look physically attractive to others? That in the hope of them being, we'll find a right one?

I guess not! Then again, there's a fine line, isn't there? Between being superficial and shallow and simply wanting to look better and nicer.

And I guess we want to look better ultimately, to be more accepted. Because in this superficial world where the media tells us whats hot and whats not, superficial beauty is a huge factor in acceptance of people.

There's also the question about just being satisfied with God accepting you.

Now I am not ashamed to say I am struggling with being fully satisfied with just God loving me, even though I'm fat. I am human and I am still struggling. That is the challenge, though, isn't it? To be so satisfied with God that you don't need human approval.

But still, didn't he build us to walk alongside humans? After all, no man is an island!

I would not say I'm superficial, I am not. I just have superficial moments. Moments when I think in a superficial way or judge superficially.

That leads me to wonder... everyone knows that words can build up or tear down and affirmation is one of the most effective ways of building someone up. Words ARE very a very important part of communication- mostly, words are direct reflections of our inner thoughts.

Most of us may think that casual phrases like "OMG HE'S SO HOT!" or "Dude, she's hot!" are harmless ones, but you know, I think that they can affect others.

I am guilty of such phrases, but isn't it only a bit of fun? (Then again, sex is, right?) Sometimes, I do get irritated when I hear guys constantly make remarks about girls, about how hot or pretty they are. Yet, I myself make such remarks when I look at guys I think are cute!

So is it right or wrong? This is something I am still pondering on... On one hand, it could be said jokingly, but on the other, it could promote this mostly unhealthy spirit of superficiality.

Phew! Seems like I've gone on forever! I've expanded from being overweight to being superficial to...so many things!

Please, please, PLEASE, I'd love to hear your thoughts, I've bolded some of the main points and questions that would be good for you to share your views! The tagboard is rather narrow, so you might want to leave a comment via the Blogger comment system below each post.

Thank you and God bless!

Why does God say no?

2008-10-05T19:53:00.005+08:00

Now here's a good one: WHY DOES GOD SAY NO?

Of course there's so many answers, so many ways of phrasing that all point to one thing:

Because saying yes is not the best thing for you.

I've been struggling with that question lately. Or, rather, struggling with the answer "no". For that matter, how do I even know the answer is no? Well, I mean, it must be no! Everything I've ever thought of all say The time is not ripe or Because you're not ready.

And, bottom line: Because God wants you to depend totally on him and be satisfied with His love.

For once, I feel I've made a right choice in choosing, yet the door is shut? I mean, okay, I never expected it to be open. Maybe its because when I closed a door that was long due in being closed, I went ahead and opened another window?

Oh, you know the phrase... when God closes a door, he opens a window.

Okay, so if I close the self-opened window, I wonder what else will pop up? Its not likely I'll get something I want now.

That means its not good for you.

Aha. Obviously, its not the best for me! Yes, but its so hard to accept it.
Oh, don't too bad me!

I really don't like that word. God never said "too-bad" to us! Isn't there more than "too bad" in life?

I really hate it when people give the excuse "Life is never fair". I mean, yes, its not fair, so shouldn't we try our best to be fair, then?

Okay. I know God is saying no. Even though my mind is trying to imagine otherwise.

But I'd like some little golden nugget of comfort or reassurance that it'll be there in the end.

I'd like some treat of knowing something. Knowing it will happen, a little detail.

Ah, patience belittles me!

Freda: Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Oh, I've had so much experience already!

God, why no? Please tell me.

Chasing pavements... with God.

2008-09-30T11:57:00.009+08:00

Photos from Fel's photoshoot :D Was a lovely one, really. Thanks Fels for the lovely shots!

Recently I have really felt the Spirit flow, flow, flow.
Suddenly, area's in my life are improving. I prayed forever for my drama monologue and I have FAITH that I'm gonna see a breakthrough today for my devised monologue. I drew the monologue from my own experience about death.

And tonight, for H2o+, I'm presenting "This Is Our God" and "High And Lifted Up" from the new hillsong album This Is Our God with Edward...songs that have really impacted me during this time. My quiet time is full of the Spirit, I got goosebumps while praising to With Everything.

And studying. Phew! I'm almost done with Bio for the first time, and I've stopped comparing what I've studied with what everyone else has studied. Everyone has been asking everyone how much they have and as Meishi said, it's quite stupid. Most of the time, we only do that to make ourselves feel better when we've studied more (or worse when we haven't). I guess its a way to comfort oneself. But ultimately, its really not about how fast you've studied.

I've prayed and prayed, asking God to help me absorb things and though I started off quite slow, I absorbed a lot! And somehow, although there didn't seem to be enough time, He's made it such that there is!

Goodness. Quiet Time has led to reflections and acceptance of my emotions. A few weeks ago, I made the decision, yet again, to move on, but this time, full-head on, a new discovery spurring me on. To leave that person behind and say No, it's enough. I'm done here.

Its been a long 9-month struggle, yes? I finally received my answers to questions I had been asking.

All my questions answered, though they weren't very pleasant ones. I accepted them and I
won't say I've completely moved on, but I have made some progress. God's helping me every step of the way, reminding me he has it all in his hands and the times when I feel like I'm drowning under water, that I just have to trust it into his hands.

Just when I thought it was easy to forget, of course that person pops up again but I've had the strength of will to tell myself You're not going down that path again. And to stop that weakness that kept me going back in the past.

There are a few people I'd like to thank... this has been quite a turbulent time for me, accepting and healing. Healing, a lot.

Freda, for being my ever-loving friend who has seen me through and understands me sometimes more than I understand herself.

Meishi- for bringing God into school life and never giving up on me.

My family, especially mum and dad and andrew who have been really understanding and allowing good communication to flow- another grace God has given.

eXcess; for beinng God-loving people and letting God manifest himself so strongly in our relationships.

Jo; for listening with understanding and empathy; for really being that listening and sympathetic ear.

Freda Mie Seto

2008-09-18T23:04:00.008+08:00

Sometimes, things get tough and its hard, and you feel like you're all alone. But then God surprises you with things that touch you and make you cry.

God inspires many, and though we may not always admit it, we all need it.

And then we know just how to tell that person we understand

Though I didn't know you would, thank you for knowing me so well.
I thought this time you wouldn't understand, I myself don't.
But you do. And it makes all the difference in the world.
Thank you for knowing me better than myself sometimes.
Thank you for loving me like Jesus has.
Thank you for being there every step of the way.
Thank you for lifting me up.
But most of all...
Thank you for being my best friend.

And this is how she said "I understand":

Chiquitita, tell me whats wrong
Youre enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow
How I hate to see you like this
There is no way you can deny it
I can see that youre oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, tell me the truth
Im a shoulder you can cry on
Your best friend, Im the one you must rely on
You were always sure of yourself
Now I see youve broken a feather
I hope we can patch it up together

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars theyre leaving
Youll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving

Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, chiquitita

So the walls came tumbling down
And your loves a blown out candle
All is gone and it seems too hard to handle
Chiquitita, tell me the truth
There is no way you can deny it
I see that youre oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go and the scars theyre leaving
Youll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving

Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, chiquitita

2008-09-17T17:39:00.004+08:00

I would like to go back to the place. I loved it, oh how I loved it.

It reminded me of NZ. I had a dream about Bridget last night.I dreamt I saw her with her brothers Mark and Ian and Annie and they all looked the same, though a bit older.

Say goodbye. Its time. For a long time now. Not only say goodbye to you, but to a lot of things. In my life, in everything.

Born again, stepping into new shoes. Feel much like my old ones but knowing, deep down inside, their a new pair.

Not exactly sure who I'm bringing with me but I know who I'm leaving behind.

Out of reflection comes growth, I'm sure.

And my hope is in you, Lord.

2008-09-14T22:10:00.006+08:00

My feelings, my everything, out here. If you're meant to know, you will know how to.

Amei-o tolamente. Pensei que você era incapaz de amar, mas mesmo então, era tão duro. Agora sei que você estava capaz de amar, de cuidar e não preocupando-me comigo era uma escolha, não um incapability. Mas podia ser sensível e cuidado para Freda, mas não me.

O Freda escreveu-o uma letra, e você a chamou e conversado a ela sobre ele. Escrevi-o uma letra e você me contou que pensou que letra-escrito era um das formas mais falsas de comunicação. Esvaziei minha alma a você e agora eu o lamento. Lamento você jamais sabendo que eu amei-o.

Seu tão doloroso. 8 meses passaram mas eu ainda siento-me a dor.

Era menina de ressalto, eu não era? Todas essas memórias. ..of seu braço ao redor dos meus ombros, de fabricação me miento em você, afaga meu cabelo, abraçando-me firmemente como você não podia ficar suficiente de mim. Todos esses momentos eram distrai-lo da coisa real- Rachel. Usou-me, não fez você? Eu não teria me ocupado de se cuidasse. Mas você não fez. Você não tem. Tenho estado sofrendo aqui.

O Chris disse que você e Edward caíram. Porque quebrou um muito importante bro code. Sei por que você deixou eXcess. Era por causa de Freda. Porque quis permanecer longe de ela. Fui mantido na escuridade. Deu-me a desculpa que você deu todo o mundo. Mas Freda soube. Pensei que eu soube por que.

Você nunca me quis. Por que põe-me por isso, então? TODO que VOCÊ QUIS ERA FREDA. VOCÊ NUNCA ME AMOU, NUNCA ME QUIS. POR QUE?

Eu não posso expressar isto em inglês, eu não o quero nem que qualquer um lesse e saber como patético é- depois que 8 meses que eu sou ainda aqui. Eu não que quero soubessem como quebrado sou de você. Eu não que quero soubessem que eu não sou sobre você.

E a maioria importante, eu não quero que soubesse que eu ainda preocupo-me com o. Eu não quero falar a você jamais outra vez nem o vê.

Então escrevo no nativo de linguagem a suas raizes.

Are there no shadows where you are?

I don't wannt be where you are, I don't wanna be here even now.

Words have no meaning when I've seen where you've been.

My last words to you.

Recenties.

2008-09-02T23:41:00.006+08:00

Everyone has their recenties. For the recent recenties, I have the ASEAN dance, Jayni's p16th, Anthony's 21st and our 6.5 hours of jamming for Overtime.

First up, the ASEAN dance. Went with Iniki to the ASEAN dance at the Hilton, on invitation by the scholars and it was my first dance. My conclusion is that it was an experience. Not what I expected, but still an experience that I don't think I would take back.

Far too tired to upload the rest of the photos from the other events. Anyway, was really glad I went for H2o tonight.

I didn't go for the ACJC Drama concert thing and though some people would say I should have gone for that, I believe that I was right in not going. Its an extra $5 and I'm tight for money this month and I needed that spiritual refillment. I needed that praying over to "seek ye first the kingdom of God", especially in drama. I've been feeling so lost, so tired in drama.

I've been trying, yet not being there.

Gotta remember its all for his glory. Ask him to come into it.

But the weeks been tiring. Somewhat emotionally, but more physically. And now I'm already on Tuesday of the holidays. And I haven't had a chance to do any studying! Tomorrow I'm home the whole day thank goodness. Got a lot of stuff to catch up on.

I've been letting my very human part of me get in the way. Not giving enough up to God. Not talking enough to him. Gotta focus back on him.

And lots of thingd

2008-08-24T22:20:00.004+08:00

Taken on the Singapore flyer (hardly a value for my money, I felt) on my day off with my Godparents from New Zealand in July, after my confirmation. Feels almost surreal, right?

Before I begin today's post I'd just like to say thanks to the "Guest" tagger on my tagboard. It was quite affirmative to hear that my "Food for thought" post touched someone. It was, for me, quite a post, because I've been reading through 2006 and 2007's blog posts and really really laughing at myself. Yes, I do this several times a year. And then so many old memories came up.

Which, of course, stirred up many, many emotions. So I ended up fooding for thoughting with pictures.

Well, would you look at that. I lost my gist for blogging. Maybe I just want to put a few lines for you to see. When I say "you", the context now is a single person, not the collective audience.

So far away from where you are.
The miles have torn us worlds apart.
And I miss you.
I miss the years that were erased.
I miss the way the sunlight would light up your face.
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here.

Yeap. I do.

You could walk back in to my life now, and I'd be so happy to see you.
Not that it matters to you, anyway.

Food for thought.

2008-08-22T23:52:00.026+08:00

Where are you now?

Is your life like this?

Do you miss them?

Do you miss the people that used to be people from your missed past until not so long ago?

Do you wish you had done things differently?

Are you holding on to a memory?

Wishing you could keep that moment forever?

And wishing three had never become two?

Are you reliving an adventure...

...to find the peace and tranquility at the end?

Are you breaking boundaries inside of you?

And opening another door?

Photograph courtesy of Benjamin Chia.

Are you capturing the precious moments of joy?

Or are you counting the years gone by?

Are moments just slipping you by?

Or are you trying your hardest to document all before you die?

Are you forgetting the people who have made you who you are today?

But most of all...are you giving your all?

2008-08-20T22:10:00.002+08:00

More photos from celebrate drama. Walking there. Gosh, I miss it. Three days and I miss it.

Its almost all over for me. Yeah, almost. You've just got to push it a bit more further before I give up completely and walk away with a morbid smile on my face saying "I don't care. I don't give a rat's arse anymore, so go ahead and do your shit, because I refuse to be tangled up in it anymore". I've given, WE'VE given to you so much, okay? Because we cared. We cared about you and we wanted to help you. But now you've driven us to a point where its almost all over.

Watching an almost three-year friendship crumble must be painful, right?

Well, I've had 8 months to bloody adjust to it. Yeah, when it first started surfacing, it was painful to watch the values our friendship was built on just crumble.

And we've supposedly jumped over every hurdle, only to find out that we knocked it down in the process and the scars on our legs aren't healing. So yeah, I'd say I'm use to it by now.

Just going around in a cycle. No, I'm not going to make another scene with you and cry and beg for your forgiveness because I'm not the one with the problem, you are. No more scenes. Just one to your face, a shout, a scream and maybe I'll tell you what I really think. you're not the same person I knew and now I'm going to walk away. I can't help you anymore, I'm sorry.

Oh, the bubble looks really nice from the inside.

When your best mates start looking weird, you know you could be weird too.

2008-08-18T21:56:00.011+08:00

Celebrate Drama! 2008 was quite the bomb. In a totally cool as a cucumber way. If thta makes any sense, which, in most probability...not. Well. You know that when you and your best mates look like idiots in your performance photos, you'll look back one day and think to yourself: Gosh, we were so young then!

On Friday, we headed down for rehearsal and we got to know the place a bit better. I had the most delicious doughnut for a dollar thirty from Donut Empire. It had a chocolate topping and the middle of the top had a few nuts and the filling was a gorgeous, creamy peanut butter.

Too bad they didn't have that type for the NEXT TWO DAYS. I know I should've eaten 2 when I got the chance. :/

But Saturday was really when the fun started. What a relief we were doing our Oragami and Face Painting in doors, aircon and all next to the screening room! The little kids came, some were a bit bratty but most were okay. I taught Origami until I felt my ears turning into Origami. And then we fooled around witht he face paint, I started doing some Aboriginal-like designs (everyone said they looked like the Aboriginal Art we saw in Sydney) and we just had fun like chatting with the Arts House people and taking heaps of FROLICK! Badges and eating FROLICK! yoghurt. And then we sneaked into the screening room to watch an, ahem, rated film. Rated for violence, of course. Kichiro was so violent that even INIKI didn't dare look. Blood and gore, campy, most campy. Aw, yuck. And the director was Iniki's and Andrea's P1 and 2 Chinese teacher from Kellock.

Now that constituted to the best CIP ever, chatting with the directors...etc.

Sunday came and we were back down, this time performing Mama Looking For Her Cat and Iniki, Nicole and me even got a chance to perform our Murderer's Anonymous. (see photos above).

Gosh, it felt good all weekend to be with the DEP girls, somehow, especially Iniki and Nicole. We watched several performances.

It was a break from everything else. Its good to be around them again. I've been spending so much time and attention on eXcess, its good to remember the people who are also close to your heart.

Will blog another time on more serious things. Intended, but its been a long day and I had 3-7pm AEP and I don't want to be completely gone tomorrow.

Na na na na na na naa, hey judeee.

2008-08-10T22:38:00.021+08:00

For you, from me.

2008-08-05T21:28:00.002+08:00

Unexpected, understatement of the year, thats for sure.

Who'd have thought that, I'd be standing at your door

Its just the way you same my name that throws me

All the windows of my past are closing

And everything that you see here

Is for you from me, I give it away so easily

Never stopped to look at whats behind

For you, from me

Everything you want will be holding us together

Tonight, tonight

Unexpected, I'm not used to chasing dreams and catching them

All of the sudden, I'm the winner in the end

I'm used to every door I open closing

Always making sure I'm not supposing

I can't believe I'm really here

For you, from me, I give it away so easily

Never stop to look at whats behind

For you from me

Everything you want will be holding us together tonight

You've just got to love Jon Mclaughlin. That's his song- For You, From Me. He's married though ): He's christian :D

Wasn't allowed to go for h20 last night. Because I was rude to my mum. But I understood why my parents did it, though I did let me anger take over my actions and I kicked and screamed a huge fuss. Things ended up quite okay though, God really helped me out though I was the one in the wrong.

I somehow get this faint knowledge that something is coming around the corner for me. I don't feel it so much like I almost know it. Its a piece of knowledge. Its like, i should just expect it. Something major... life-changing? I do wonder if I'm just over-thinking some things. By what reason is there to doubt? God has surely put something in the way... things have, in a way, been leading up to them. Or am I just wishing?

We're performing for Arts fest at the Arts House on the 17th of August. The DEP girls, I mean. We're performing Mama Looking For Her Cat. Its been a realy challenging piece, almost demoralizing sometimes, because we couldn't seem to get it right. I couldn't see to portray mama well. At all. I was totally lacking. And still I doubt myself sometimes. Or, perhaps, check myself. The process has taught me something though. I must admit at first, I didn't like Mama Looking For Her Cat. I'm not too sure why. Was it because I didn't exactly understand the script? Was it because I felt we sucked at it? That it wasn't good? Because I was at a loss on how to be mama? I was quite happy to get over the performance and mvoe on. And then it came back. And I learnt that I had to be comitted to the piece. To drama. Comitted to do my best even if I didn't exactly love the piece. And guess what? Its growing on me.

A strangled smile fell from your face. It kills me that I hurt you this way...

She said "If we're gonna make this work

You gotta let me inside even though it hurts

Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"

She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta beYou gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

Remember that friend I blogged about in my last post? Well, its funny. Because his brother showed up. Used to be so angry at him, because he took nearly everything of him and left so little. Because I might have been part of the blame- for why he died I mean. That some things I did before led to his death. And he thinks he had nothing to do with it. That he was devasted by the loss. But no, it was him who had caused it. But I keep my peace. The anger it caused has died down majorly and gave way to civility.

His brother is so like him, yet so different. But I've moved on.

So close to reaching that famous happy ending

Almost believing this was not pretend

And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come

So far we are so close

Yes, I was so close, so close, yet so far.

2008-08-03T19:49:00.002+08:00

Very upset now as I'm listening to Jason Mraz LIVE over the phone (Eugene's on the other end). Timmy, Freda, Eugene and Celesther SNEAKED INTO SINGFEST and their streaming Jason Mraz for me now.

Untitled.

2008-08-01T21:55:00.002+08:00

I just felt like putting a picture with no people in it. Somehow, sometime, somewhere, this picture speaks of whatever I'm emoting now. I don't know how or why, but it is.

Its Friday and I'm totally knackered. Last night, after I finished dinner I went right to sleep regardless of my homework. And then I couldn't sleep from 11-12. And I had that puffy eye headache thing. That just stayed with me 'till morning. I almost didn't go to school, like yesterday but I did in the end.

Okay. Bitterness and irritating are currently seeping through my veins. I need quiet time. With God. Man. Just bitterness. With everyone. My friends, my family, this education system, everything. And my friend thats gone.

I'm still upset. I ask myself over and over. Why did you have to die? Its not fair. Its a natural process. You live, you die (I'm starting to sound like Andrea's monologue). Change. Move on.

But you can never forget a friend. You can never forget the time spent together. And only when that person's gone do you wish you have treasured more when he was alive. You'd give your right arm to have him or her walk again, breathe again, live again. You'd give anything for one more day so you could say everything you wanted to.

But then again, its painful to say goodbye when you know it is the last goodbye. I don't know which is more painful...saying goodbye...or not. I had to say goodbye to my grandad. I remember keeping quiet. That was the only day in the hospital I didn't read. I just sat there staring at him in the bed, numb. Numb to everything. Staring at the weakened, wasted body of my grandad. He was always there in New Zealand whenever someone was born. He was the grandparent I talked to most because he could speak english and I couldn't speak or understand chinese.

Yes. Then those final moments came. The numbness slipped away too a stark realisation that I'd never ever see him again. Tears came, yes they did, but nothing took away that pain in my chest. That pain that left me gasping for huge gulps of breath, that pain that he felt, I could see as he started crying when I did. We both knew this was goodbye. What was left of his body after the cancer sunk in was shaking like mine. I knew that the cancer wasn't to go away, that God was calling him back. I cried and wouldn't stop crying. And you know what? I turned around and went back to the car with the rest. One last glance at him there. And I didn't stop crying 'till we reached my cousin's house where we were staying.

See, I knew that was the last goodbye. But it made it even harder. Because it seemed like a thousand memories had flashed pass in those few moments.

See, now, I don't know know if I'd have chosen to say goodbye to you. You, who left. Now all I've left is smiling photographs and memories and even those aren't enough. I'd give anything to hear your voice again, like it was. To have us talk and be natural like we once did. To spend some time with you so I can digest you. So I can absorb you. Those small things I wrote down when everything was still fresh...they have faded with time and I can hardly remember somethings now. I want to soak up every bit of what you were and never let it go. To keep your smell around me. So it would be like you were alive again, speaking to me.

Ah, reflections, reflections. The whatifs are endless.

But its the future now, and once something is gone, its gone. There is no bringing it back. I maybe be able to coax a memory, but I can't coax the person. I want the realness.

How did this post end up here?

My eXcessified sweet 16.

2008-07-28T21:59:00.006+08:00

eXcess (missing quite a few) plus Colette, Jayni and Jeremy Chua :D

The fam and me:D

HAHA! Had to put this up. Welcome to the BRAIDS CLUB. Thats Sean by the way. His hairstyle is courtesy of Amanda Grace Leo. Mine is courtesy of Veronica.

WITH EVERYTHING! Its completely awesome, eXcess got me "This Is Our God" DVD- the newest Hillsong! Songs are simply AWESOME. Listening to one of my favourite tracks: With Everything now. Seems like God just meant for these songs to ring within my soul. First, two weeks ago when we sang it during worship, I caught on the song. Then last week, Jeremy Chua was here and since I was supposed to help prepare for worship, I had to listen... (but then I fell sick so I didn't).

But I helped do the powerpoint. And even though like everyone didn't know the songs, I felt it. I felt through the songs. Such a strong sense.

Anyway. Sweet 16. It wasn't as sugar-rushed sweet as you might imagine, because I've been feeling 16 all year. As usual, like this year, I became a bit numb to the sensation. At the same time, I loved it. I had eXcess over and the girls slept over. The guys went home at around 2. Thanks for all the people who made it special for me. Who messaged me, sent me comments wishing me. Thank you.

Oh, Desert Song now! I love this song. This is my prayer in the desert, when all thats within me feels dry. H2o plus is tomorrow. WHOA

2008-07-23T21:47:00.008+08:00

Just photos from drama night. It turned out better than i expected even though I wa sunder the most pressure to perform. We all were. We had a 4/10 run before the final show. Natalie laughingly said 10/10 right at the end but I'm not sure I believed her.

Drama was crappy today. No, I was just demoralizaed. Iniki, Nicole, Faith and me came up with a wonderful original idea for a 10 minute devised piece that we derived from our mind mapping of "Peace". But the presentation was horrible. You know. I've been performing badly lately. Mama Looking For Her Cat... Oh I wasn't into it. Norlina said that it was horrible. And now we've to perform it.

Apparently I am suited for mother's roles. But I don't know how to play this mama. Oh no. And today my characterization was SO off. Norlina said it was horrible.

Its so horrible. Again.

I've felt like a live zombie today. I'm not dead, I just seem to tired. And I am emoting but not enough, I feel. Oh, I did feel so alive today. Its friday tomorrow. After friday is Saturday. Saturday is my birthday celebration. For once I'm not having a big party. Its simple a movie with eXcess and all and they come over afterward and then the girls sleep over.

I'll be sixteen in 2 days.

And it still sticks out. My failed resolution every year. It arrests me at my birthday.

I feel like screaming until I actually feel something.

Oh, thats the word. Numb? To my thoughts I guess.

Irritation can creep up.

I had durian today. Then ice cream.

And I crapped 3 times today. Why do you want to hear this?

God, God, God. Even with me feeling so weird, I'll trust in you.

Confirmation 2008!

2008-07-13T01:11:00.049+08:00

Confirmation! The day we had been anticipating, almost like graduation since CC2. Back then, confirmation was such a long way off. Where have those years gone to? Those days...months...years...flown by so quickly! And look where we are now. Graduation, in a way, graduation. Oh, the memories of stupidity and how much we've grown. How much I've grown in my faith journey. Its been nothing short of amazing. I'm turning into a woman now. I've become an adult. And all these memories.
My important day. Thanks to all who made it what it was, and most of, thanks be to God :D

The Chia brothers and me.

The other Chia brother. Ben the "Cheah" as we love to call him!

The archbishop and most of Joseph and Celina's class...

Freda, me and my Godmother Toni.

Best friends, finally confirmed :D

Me and my godparents, Toni and Don. God made it such that they could be with me. They flew in from Perth where they were holidaying and they went back to Adelaide for a bit before flying back to NZ.

Me, Shaun and Sylvia.

The fam and me.

My best mates, Iniki and Nicole turned up :D

Rachel Wong (CC4 Camp facil), Rachel Er (CC2 Camp facil) and Addison and me!

Love my school mates, I do. Iniki, Nicole me and Meishi.

The dark chocolate and the white chocolate :D

Syl, Me and Veron :D

Me and Timmy. It looks funny.

Julia, Daphne and me! Go eXcess!

Hilary and me :D

Dear Joseph and me!

Joel me and Isabel!

Mel, me and Sham!

Adeline and me

Michelle and me!

My dear catechist Celine "Mommy!" and me!

Aww, finally one of the three of us...

Jo and me!

"Something special that came from nothing at all"

Shalyn and me!

CC4 Camp facil Francis and me!

Nick and me taken at a very bad angle... Eugene took it!

Mel and me.

Terence and me!

Celesther and me!

part of eXcess!

Edward G and me!

Celestine and me!

Me and Marcus Mark..

Muscle man ahah!

The AMANDAS!

My other catechist Jospeh and me!

Dinnner at Sakae Sushi Tepanyaki later.

Mum, dad and me, they look old here though ):

The steps of the song.

2008-06-18T16:44:00.007+08:00

Right now, I'm in the process of writing songs for eXhaustified. I've already got one song down.
But I feel I'm getting too caught up in writing what I want, instead of letting God take the wheel.

I feel so melodic-ly dry. Same chords, same rythms, same everything. Can't hit a tune thats got it, you know what I mean?

The one song I got down, called "I Walk Free". Well, bits and pieces of it are playing in my head. That was a song I got down in two days (not that I was pressured) and it developed quite naturally a week or two ago. I was asking God to fill me with passion for this song. Just now, I went to lie on the couch for some Quiet Time and I begged God to just fill me with passion. That overflowing stuff that fills me with the melodies that become my songs. And God put me in sleep (put me too sleep sounds like...yeah) and somehow, he filled me with a bit of passion for that song.

I've got recording tomorrow at Edward's, yet I haven't gotten the other two songs down. Maybe its God telling me to put them on hold. but there's no time. I will make time.
Okay. I'll let go. And trust God. Original melodies. My first song. These things take time. I need to quell this anxious feeling in my heart, of time running out.

I'll be doing a cover of Tim Hughes' "Be My Everything" or "Everything" as Eugene says the title is. Tim Hughes was such a huge inspiration when I went for WorshipCentral's "An Evening Of Worship" with Planetshakers and Tim Hughes.
I loved Be My everything. I loved it. I loved it. It feels inspirational now. Do you ever feel that? The whispers of inspiration at the heart of your soul, whisping around, wanting to come out? I visited http://www.worshipcentral.org/ and got this:
"Sometimes it can even be helpful to leave your instrument aside to save you going down the same ‘chord rat runs’ and rhythms."

I really like these pictures of the steps outside the Opera House in Sydney. They seem a bit inspiring somehow. Maybe I imagine the passages of my mind to be like them. Each step is quite broad, and long and running from one side to the other, across the boundaries of human nature.

They're in lines. Maybe I feel this is part of my song-writing spirit.

God in my living, there in my breathing
God in my waking, God in my sleeping
God in my resting
There in my working
God in my thinking, God in my speaking
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything
Be my everything

God should be part our lives every second of the day. Yes. I am passionate about my faith. Too passionate? No.

You were so silent, I almost forgot you were there.

2008-06-16T22:27:00.003+08:00

I feel like the way I took this sign. Half plunged in darkness, yet fully defined.

Been wondering about my future. I want to travel the world. Help others. Feel the love of Christ. Get out of this seeming world I live in. Sometimes, I'm so unlike Christ. I just don't act like I know Christ. I'm bad-tempered, irritable. Especially to my family. Why?

Sometimes I feel so persecuted by people. persecuted for my zeal for Christ. Ironically, these are Catholics as well. ironically, thye can be the people closest to me. Isn't religion a personal thing? Why bother having a religion, following one if you've never experienced anything?

I salute Meishi. She left a Catholic Church for New Creation. People asking why she did that. Its because she felt that she wans't experiencing Christ where she was so she went where she did. And that only goes to show that she is serious about her religion. She's not experiencing it somewhere, so she searches and follows where she does! Truly. Whether she's in a catholic or a protestant, it doesn't matter. We are one in Christ.
I wrote some more lyrics today. One was about being beautiful. In your eyes, I am beautiful, no matter the number on the weighing scale. Not that that was a line. It just came to me.

I suppose I have to learn to cope with my world before I go out.

Sometimes I feel dead silent to everyone. I just want to be alone, just want to be away. Get away to my lovely place. My garden, my mountaintop, my hiding place.

And sometimes, being alone is good. Its soothing. Being with God is a break.

Which way does my future point? I want to do drama. yet is God calling me for something else? I have no idea what for. Am I going to eat my words about how I wanted to do drama for the rest of my life? Or do I avoid taking that chance because I don't want to eat my words? Foolishness.

I love drama. My it isn't my total focus. I want to travel the world and be free. Be free. Wishful thinking?

Class party today. But like 3/4 of 3/4 wasn't there. Who was? Angie, Kim Chow, Petra, Jacq, Ven, Joce, Theresa, Marie, Keely and all were there. Agnes and Cat and Phyllis dropped by after band. They are leaving at 5am tomorrow. For Beijing. Meish as well. It was good to be around them again. Barbeque. Got some Angmoh guy to help us start the fire after our many failed attempts and he did. And then we saw like this group of pretty filipinos surround him and take kinky photos and such. Nice to be around different groups of people. Mixing and matching.

2008-06-04T14:29:00.002+08:00

I'll be truthful. I really don't want to go back to school. Thinking about it makes me sick. Thinking about how I'm going to have to pull up my grades and start studying like mad makes me feel sick. I just want to QUIT all that. You know? Push the "quit" button.

Its barely the beginning of the holidays, yet I know somehow the weeks are gonna pass me by and soon, school will be starting again and I will feel as if I had barely started to recuperate. Sydney was lovely, marvellously lovely and a temporary escape. It was all over so fast. Sigh.

Nevermind, I have snorkelling in Tioman next week with Colette to take my mind. AH! My 16th Birthday is coming up and now I've got that huge combined 16th birthday party to plan which I DON'T feel like doing at all. Imagining the function room filled with heaps of people... no I want to be stress free! Maybe I'll consider not doing a huge birthday party... sigh. I just want to put off thinking for a while. I want to spend my days in some sunny (oh shuddup you "Sunny Singapore" slogan lovers, its not THAT sunny most of the time, rather, SUCKY singapore) island on a beach/resort just reading and tanning. RELAXING. Or just knitting.

I want wide open areas. Wide open spaces. I don't even want to say Singapore anymore, it makes me so depressed. S is too small for me! Too small for that bigness inside of me, that love for big places, for the big countryside, for the big vasteness. Its too BIG for S.
Now I feel cramped and claustraphobic.

Need to write a song for eXhaustified. Get Veronica to see if she wants to do Percussion with me.

Stress. Homework.

I'm feeling sick.

Sydney

2008-05-31T21:10:00.003+08:00

Angel Of Mercy, how did you find me?
Where did you read my story?
Pulled from the paper, desperate and hardened, seeking a momentary fix
All I wanted to say
All I wanted to do is fall apart now
All I wanted to feel
All I wanted to love
Its all my fault now
A tragedy of fear

Angel of mercy how did you find me? How did you pick me up again?
Angel of Mercy, how did you move me? Why am I on my feet again?
And I see you, whoa, whoa, whoa
I feel you, whoa, whoa, whoa.

If anything, that was the soundtrack of Sydney. Okay, to be more encompassing, One Republic was. If it wasn't Stop and Stare that we started singing even BEFORE we touched down, Apologize would be playing (especially every morning over our breakfast of Egg and Bacon, Cereal, perhaps Apple Strudel or some other Danish pastry and coffee and orange/apple juice, during the countdown on their music channel). Stop and Stare was the funniest because we'd sing it along the streets (Marie's style was the funniest) and after we stopped singing, we'd hear it in a shop as we passed by). Mercy was just mine. I had my mp3 and I hardly listened to any other song. It was Mercy over and over again. I don't know why it invokes me so. Brings me to a place.

I remember the last day, I sat, looking out the window, as we travelled to the Direct Factory Outlet and sat looking at the scenery that reminded me of New Zealand, yet was so Australia, feeling so nostalgic and never wanting to leave this place.

This trip was about Taking Chances. What do you say to taking chances? What do you say to jumping off the edge?

On Day 4, during the last drama workshop and ONLY Sydney Theatre Company workshop, I danced. We had a movement activity, where three people were chosen to be leaders and would move and their followers would have to move with them. We were encouraged to go against what everyone was doing and even the tempo of the music. The music was lovely. I moved, I danced, I lead and Iniki said I looked nice. Expression.

It was all about asking the two guys at the BurgerFuel outlet if they were from New Zealand. It was in my culture. I knew they were. They were friendly. It was totally natural for me, totally natural for my New Zealand roots. Yes that guy was part-maori, he said something, Te Maori te something...I knew it. Hey, are you from New Zealand? Are you part-maori?

It was about smiling at The guy on the plane, Rain. (haha) I saw him staring at me as we waited to get on the Airbus 380 (A380, one of the first IJ Girls to fly the A380). I saw him again as we went down the rows to the last cabin where our seats were. Halfway during the flight,I twisted my body and looked behind and there he was. I was on the right side of the plane (looking from behind), last seat of the three by the window, somehwere in the middle of the column.

He was right at the back on the left side, standing there looking at me. Our eyes met. I turned back and looked again and he was still looking at me. I knew it was me. It couldn't have been anyone else, the seats were too big not to be specific. It was contact.
Him, standing there in his Black jacket, white shirt, black jeans (skinny but not too skinny) and Vans. I had to go to the toilet. Stood behind, across a few metres from him. We looked at each other, then looked away. Again.
Then I saw his head and eyes turn towards me and dart quickly away when he realised I was looked. I took a deep breath and then next time we made eye contact, we smiled at each other. Hi.
Went to Lizzie, past him. She came back with me, I had stolen Andrea's botak.
Walking towards him:
I stole my friend's doll.
Backtracked a step and held out my hand.
I'm Amanda, by the way.
Oh, haha, I'm Rain.
Rain?
Yup. [Smiles]
Like Rain rain go away?
[Laughs]. Haha, yeah.
Cool. Where you from?
I'm from the Phillipines. [Gestures to us, but mainly keeps his eyes on me] You guys? Where you from?
Singapore... went to Sydney for a holiday.
Oh, school trip?
Haha yeah. Anyway, hope you enjoy your trip!
Yeah, nice to meet you! Cya around!

He still stayed there. I found out he had the cabin in front of me, yet he still came behind! He spent most of the plane ride there. Lizzie walked back and he talked to her even though I saw him first. I walked back to my seat after the first encounter trying not to hyperventilate. Flirting. whoa. Everytime I looked back, he smiled. I took Iniki and Nicole excitedly, Iniki was freaked out with him when she first saw him and Nicole was like "OMG amanda you shithead luh, he's looking! OMg he's looking at us!" and we giggled. He could only have seen us through the space between the seats or overhead.
He was waiting for his little brother and when his came out of the toilet he ruffled his head, looking at me though. Or he chatted with the other people.
When I came out of the toilet he was at MY side.

Last time I went to the toilet. I really wanted to hang with him behind even though I hadn't finished Juno. The captain had made the announcement that we were landing soon. I didn't see him anywhere and I sighed. Then I saw him walking down the aisle yet again. After a while, I stood and went behind.

So why are you going to Singapore for?
Oh, I'm transitting to Manila. We're staying in Singapore for two days though.
Oh, I hope you enjoy your stay then!

He held the toilet door open for me and even shut it for me. The last thing I saw was his face as he shut it. I thought he'd be gone but the moment I opened the door, I saw he had too, on the other side and let me out.

Thank you.
You're welcome. Oh sorry, you needed to go?
Yeaaaaaah.
OMG I'm so sorry!
Haha, no problem!

Smiled at each other somemore as we descended the plane and he saluted me as we walked out. Then at baggage claims, he was directly opposite me. He chose the spot right opposite me and smiled again.
Then I went over the other side as it was nearer and we were almost next to each other. Me, trying not to look at him so much. As my suitcase came, he looked as if he wanted to help me but I kept my eyes on it and took it myself.

Rain. It was nice meeting you. Have a nice trip.
Yeah! You too...

I turned away and lugged my luggage onto my trolly and I turned around to see him walking away from me. He had come over to me but I was busy so I missed it. ):

Oh boy, Sydney. More the next time.

I see you, whoa, whoa, whoaaaa.

Sydney in 1 Day

2008-05-24T21:25:00.002+08:00

My my, 17 days since my last post. The leaves ONE MORE DAY TILL SYDNEY! I'm leaving tomorrow night, and I should be at the airport at this time tomorrow!

Wow, I've spent at least $60 on stuff to go to Sydney with. $39.90 on my new CONVERSE BLACK HIGH CUT CHUCKS (I finally have a pair of converses!) which i absolutely adore 100%. I've discovered that lovely comfort and springyness of the lovely Converse shoes, it makes me feel so... nimble! Okay... and I bought a Converse bag on sale... $20, BLACK AS WELL (whoa Converse, Converse)and I spent $31.90 on my new ankle boots today! With heels! Lovely, smashing, I'm a boots fan all round and the grand totale issssssssss $91.80! WHOA. I've spent about a hundred.
And I spending a futher 200 ozz which is about SG$260 AND I will be buying my Confirmation dress when I come back and probably shoes. AND I'm saving another $20 to buy these lovely heels I saw, almost like a more classier version of character shoes they use for ballet- I saw Joyee carrying them around... dancers are using the shoes so Kim and me are gonna buy them.

I spotted those boots in Toa Payoh Central yesterday. All the drama girls were off to Kallang Badminton Association (The old old hall) to watch a rehearsal by Natalie (Founder of CAKE! Productions) for THE TEMPLE (Noorlina is acting there as well) as part of our enrichment.

It was really inspiring watching them. Impeccable focus, all those professionals, veteran actors of the various cultural theatre scenes. One of them was speaking in Chinese, one in Malay and there was an awesome guy who sang really well. The set was awesome, a few metres off the ground and we got to explore and there also was this really cute white doggie (think Snowy from Tintin, wanted to call him that) that just trotted up to me and immediately I was comfortable with it (I'm never this comfortable with animals until I've warmed up) and I was at home straight away. Though when he saw Iniki, he ignored Nicole and rolled over on his tummy (I think its a hair thing... he liked Mr Armstrong as well. He was more obedient to me than you know, affectionate). And he's part of the cast! I was given a leash for him and when I tugged gently, he came and sat right in front of me.

Such a smart doggie he was too. You could see he was of clearly intelligent breed and when he saw we were leaving (we shouted a loud bye!) he ran to me to say goodbye!

All I can say is, watch The Temple, its gonna be good. Really tired, lacking sleep, read the last of the Thursday Next books by Jasper Fforde called Something Rotten and was amazing, I love Thursday Next books! Brilliant author, absolutely mind-blowing and totally original to the core.

Almost finished with my hot pink checkerboard scarf that I knit for Sydney! Haven't finished packing yet though..............................

And I miss eXcess.

Christ In Me, Christ In Me, Christ In Me

2008-05-07T13:07:00.003+08:00

18 DAYS TO SYDNEY!

Take with Celesther's new birthday present... a SPICE Polaroid camera, scanned by Freda. Thats Freda looking down coz I whacked her, me, (front) and behind me Colette and behind freda, Joy. Church on Sundays :D

Okay. Two more days to exams. Tomorrow, Bio and Friday, A Math. I've gotten over the WORST of the exams, yesterday was dreadful Chemistry which I am acutely sure I failed.

And yeah, I've got two of the major chapters for Bio down, spent yesterday studying at Timmy's house with Freda, Eugene, Terence and Nat and of course, Timmy before H20 and it was Joanna's birthday yesterday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOANNA AND BIG BIGGG! (Big big is joanna's toy rabbit thats she's had since the beginning of her existance)! Jo is a happy 22 years old! I'll upload the pictures when I get them (EH! Timmy has the picture of Joanna's "bigbig" cake but he's lazy to upload. grrrr!).

So yes, I can't believe the exams are almost over! ALMOST. And just bio to go (and I'm not too scared for that) and A MATH (math, schmath)!

Hows my relationship with God? Well, for a period, I stopped doing QT but now I'm slowly getting back into the habit of QT (how precious it is!) and because I've got no EXAMS TODAY (I dropped lit, or else i'd be taken 10 subs- haha iniki!) I suddenly felt the urge to listen to Hillsong United. (Yeah, actually, I've missed my All Of The Above CD quite much, its with Eugene now, I find that if I do lend it out I tend to miss it)

OH! HILLSONG!! Did you know that Hillsong United is coming? Well, we were all set to go, I even helped some of my friends order and then... when Ed and Chris went to buy... on the release date itself....it was SOLD OUT! SO I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH HILLSONG UNITED!

SADNESS! Sold out on the day it was released 'coz all the new creation people already booked and reserved the tickets! THATS REALLY NOT FAIR! I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO JUMP ALONG TO "SOLUTION" OR EXPERIENCE THEIR AMAZING "SAVIOUR KING" OR "HOSANNA!" LIVE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Do you know how long I've waited for Hillsong to come around? Since PRIMARY FIVE when Joel introduced me to them. AHHHH! Too bad, Joe, you can't go either seeing Kenneth couldn't get tickets either. AHHH!

Freda said lets have our own hillsong united concert. Sigh. Yes, lets.

This is sad. Anyway H20.... during praise and worship,I really let go and my voice could almost soar! Edward's testimony on how his voice was pushed several octives higher, WHOA! I love "Be My Everything" that Tim hughes sang during Planetshakers... "Christ In Me, Christ In Me, Christ In Me, the hope of Glory, BE MY EVERYTHING!"

My cough has almost disappeared, still have phleghm but...

IJ FIESTA NEXT WEEK! AHH!

Somebody get your praise on

2008-04-14T22:55:00.004+08:00

Hey! Okay things have been quite happening, quite busy, recently. overtime has passed and goneeeeeeee. Have I blogged about it? No, apparently not. Okay, I will have a photo blog post for that.

Its a few weeks late from where I last was and heaps of things have happened. Life is just so busy, "life gets hard to do"-Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 (by the way, which lucky buggers got to go? I only know a few songs from them anyway, but I heard a certain Mr. Darren Hedger went and had to be FORCED to go to. Like, whatever.)

LAST FRIDAY WAS PLANETSHAKERS + TIM HUGES which = to AWESOME. Eugene says its like 0 + 1 = 1!

Maybe some people found it hard to connect first but when they started on Beautiful Saviour......!

Then Tim Hughes came on and led us into an amazing worship session with One Way and Might y To save and Here I Am To Worship (he wrote) and it was just wowza!

I could already feel the atmophere and excitement just ooooozed from my veins, which I'm sure everyone could see, I distinctly remember grabbing Timmy as we entered, I was so excited, it was just like the previous year! ('Cept this one turned out to be 10x better!)

Oh, I did meet eXcess earlier and we went to Changi Airport (T3), ate at Popeyes and had a fun time with Chris (my new daddy!) pulling me so I could slide around (I was wearing my school shoes, okay!) and Eugene banging all the four staplers like a little kid, and Ben, Jo, Eugene and me walking with a "bounce" and just everythiiiing.

I've missed eXcess so much. I didn't go on Tuesday coz mum and dad didn't allow me but I guess it just made me realise how fond of them I am. So I was really looking forward to Friday (I had to sacrifice my tuesday refreshment- h20- for that!) and even though Iniki and all were going for SJI Drama Night, all i could look forward to was Planetshakers! Finally, spending time with everyone, it just fills me with bubbling joy and I know I am exactly where I should be!

Anyway, Planetshakers and Tim hughes ended off with MAJESTY (Of course) and it was absolutely brilliant and filling, I FELT THE SPIRIT MOVE and everyone was jumping, there was a part where Tyler and Ryan Chan put their arms around my shoulders and me around their waists (since I'm so much shorter than they) and we just jumped and jumped.

It was awesome. We jumped for God. That feeling. I was dancing, jumping, yelling, screaming all for my beautiful saviour. All for my AWESOME GOD! MY MAJESTY.
Wow.

Tomorrow, I'm back for h20 sessions on Tuesday and I can;t wait to see everyone again. I look forward to these little meetups and all. Nowhere else I'd rather be that with people I love praising and serving God. AND I'M OFFICIALLY A MEMBER OF EXCESS NOW :D

And schools good. Today had AEP, a bit stressful, what with felting and all, working towards my mid year piece which is due next week and the wool went everywhere, I didn't massage my felt properly, it tore in places and shrunk and went all over the place for my SECOND NEW ZEALAND FLAG but oh well.

Sleeps ALIVE, its 11:15 and I am sure SLEEP DEPRIVED! got to go or not I'm sleeping in Bio. BEFORE E and A Math. Golly. I feel so happy- I'm back to reading regularly again, going through novels fast, thansk to Meishi and Nicole dragging me up to the school library. I borrowed like 6 books at one shot and they are currently residing in my locker.

2008-04-03T22:45:00.004+08:00

Hey guys! Its been a while...or has it? Haha, feels like it. A weeks difference, perhaps?

Overtime was really quite awesome. Notice I didn't put "AWESOME!" because thats not exactly how my awesome's like. My awesome is quite an underlying, after-much-contemplation awesome. Am I confusing you?

My throat went really bad, no matter how much honey water I drank (it made me sick and in the end, I threw it all in the sink...) and only by God's grace did I manage to scrape through the worship sets. All morning, I was worrying about my voice. Then my stomach started acting up (I'm sure its that stupid honey water, it made me stomach go funny in Kunar's E Math class-so fishy, eh? Manuka my poor stomach-).

Ben and Timmy prayed over me outside and I felt a bit better after that. Slowly, slowly, 2:30 drew nearer and nearer.

Then 2:30 came! The first worship set...we messed it up. But after Jo's lovely teaching and after removing the masks, we went into the second set and then, the empowerment came! During "Second Chance". What a brilliant song! We sang that a few times and I saw people really worship and I felt the spirit move and I even led worship for a bit! (:

Joy and Peter got slain and Colette cried and people said it was refreshing!

You know, I begged God. I told him not to let me down, I felt as if he was,, my voice not being restored for overtime. I begged him to make this event great. And then I surrenderred. Everything was for his or her glory. And guess what? It worked out. God did make it to his glory, but so subtly, if I was looking elsewhere, I'd have missed it!

Second Chance. Phew! What a lovely song!

So its with everything I am, I reach out for your hand, the hope for change the second chance I've gained. On you I throw my life, casting all my fears aside, how could greater love than this every possibly exist?

Cc4 Camp

2008-03-27T12:38:00.004+08:00

Hey guys! Its been a while... so many things have happened.

1.Cc4 Camp

2.eXcess Overtime

3.Just...eXcess!

Okay. Cc4 camp was amazing! I'm sorry, I know this entry has been long overdue. The first session was okay, we had affirmation by writing stuff on a paper attached to each other's backs. Ms Tan did that in school, but this time, we did in camp!

Oh, for the first time, we were in FMM Holland Road, so new venue (and you heard many I miss IHM! and I miss St. Teresa's (youth camp).

We watched a video from us since CC1- for me, since cc2...oh my, how we've GROWN into young adults. It was funny to see all the old photos of ourselves. And we did a reflection on how we've grown and stuff. Quite good.

In the afternoon, we had adoration and Fr. Ambrose Vaz did the adoration. Actually, adoration was really good. See, there was this sin I had bee committing against my mother, something that had been keeping me up at nights, weighing on my guilty conscience. Every time I did a reflection, it stopped me from surrendering all to God.

So we had confession, and I decided to let go- I confessed! I felt marginally lighter after that. That night, when we stepped into the canteen, everyone (facils and all) started cheering and clapping for us. It didn't help that I was the first to step into the room and yeah it was emabrrasing (andben's stoopid HU HU HU HU!). Later on, mainly Maranatha, eXcess, TOG and my class stayed on while everyone was upstairs. A lot of jokes and laughter shared that night!

Next day, the morning was really dry...didn't like the quiz. But we were all looking forward to the night...we knew it'd be the super power powerhouse! We had a talk by Shirleen from Acts 29 that REALLY brightened the day (I was feeling quite down)...for me. Freda left for Italy halfway ): I almost cried, my lifeline was gone! Then we had mass by this visiting Malaysian priest... he was really really funny! It was one of the most meaningful masses I've ever celebrated! We had dinner with him after that and had a lot of fun joking with him.

So, the final night came. We had a long break before and right before, a lot of people around me were scared. We entered the room.
We sang a few songs. I really prayed very hard for me to feel the Spirit flow. The first time I was prayed over, I fell. My eyelids started twitching- a physical sign for me that the Spirit is aflow- and I lay down there for the longest time feeling light as a feather.

I got up again and started singing. Somehow, though, I felt unhappy. There was something in the room that was making me feel unhappy. I closed my eyes again and started singing. I saw Dwayne fall. He was singing and suddenly, he fell forward, flat, his cheek against the wooden floor, palms face down on either side of his head. His fall had a huge thump to it and timmy, sitting next to Dwayne, looked at me with his mouth open. Next, Marcus Tyler fell and I heard him sobbing like a baby. It was amazing because Tyler had told me before we entered the room that he had never gotten slain and he really hoped he would and I told him to free his heart. It was a really big deal for him.

Next thing I knew, my head felt very light and my knees, very weak as if I could no longer hold myself up. I sank down to sit and continue singing with my hands uplifted and felt so light until I felt myself fall back for the second time and apparently, my head knocked on the group with a tock!. According to Timmy, Tyler fell on Dwayne's leg and I fell on Tyler's leg. Timmy said he first saw Dwayne fall, then Tyler and next thing I fell pretty badly and he was wondering if he should help me...what if I had a concussion? Haha...funny, tim!

Bob as well, saw all his classmates fall one by one and he was a bit freaked out.

Anyway, right after the second time, I got up and suddenly, I felt the burning urge inside me to confess that sin to my mum upstairs. The Spirit was telling me, nudging me hard. I tried to surpress that urge, but it became unbearable. Not knowing what I was doing, I got up and went to Sham, Melissa's boyfriend and he looked at me weirdly for a second and then I said "Sham, I've got to see my mother" who was upstairs (the parents had come, they had a powerhouse upstairs, they were praying that we would receive the Holy Spirit that night) and at first, it was if he didn't register until I said "I need to see my mother!" and then he spoke to Michelle who led me up the stairs. Fear overtook me, it didn't make any sense to be confessing it! Michelle went into the room and somehow, she didn't appear for the next 5 minutes!

Shivering and almost about to burst into tears, I crouched by the stairs. Oh Lord, I prayed, you got me here. Why did you bring me here? There is no turning back! I'm shit scared, Lord, shit scared! and almost immediately, my mum walked up the stairs with my sister. She wasn't in the room! She went downstairs, perhaps to get a drink, and she happened to come up JUST when I was looking for her! I collapsed into her arms and the moment I confessed, I felt my father's hands on my shoulder. RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT! My dad came out of the room, I was in my mum's arms and sobbing and crying and I felt so relieved that the truth was out!

I cried and cried. What struck me most was the courage. I died to myself and I was free. Satan had no hold over me anymore. after quite a long time, I went back down and they were still having praying over. Dwayne was still on the floor, and I was still sobbing. I sat down and couldn't stop crying. I cried and cried and cried and I remember Marcus giving me a hug and Alesia passing me atissue and giving me a hug too. Then, because they had stand in parents, one of them came over to me and bent down and hugged me tightly and whispered how much Jesus loved me. I cried even more.

Then, they asked those who wanted praying over to receive spiritual gifts to stand, so I did. That moment, I saw Jeremy kneel down next to Vincent and put his arms around Vincent and hug him tightly. Suddenly, thoughts exploded in my head. I wanted Jeremy to come over and hug me too, for everything to be right between us. Then I said NO, Lord! This is not about Jeremy, not about me, its about YOU! With Jeremy and me, not my way but YOUR WAY! I surrender, Lord. I give it to you. Lord, show me, a sign, show me something...

And at that moment, Ben appeared at my elbow. He asked how I was and I just reached out and was enveloped into a very warm and long hug.

Then, I got prayed over the last time. For the third time, I felt as light as a fetaher and the spirit come into me and I let go. I fell.

I remember, when I opened my eyes, I felt some people behind stepping on my hair (they were praying over the person behind me) I sat up and felt this enormous wrench from my scalp, I could feel my hair snapping from my scalp, a huge bunch of it. However, when I turned behind, THERE WAS NOTHING ON THE FLOOR! I swore, I could FEEL the hair, it was painful, yet there was nothing!

So many more miracles happened that night... Timmy's knee was healed, Marcus Tyler, NIGEL TESTIFIED!...Colette got slain and got the gift of tongues, Sylvia was given bible verses for Shaun and Bryan, Veronica got a message from God through Dwayne. It was an amazing night.

Later on, after everything, our parents came into the room and down and had some overtine and supper with them.

Right late, before bed, there were a lot of bugs in the room. I wanted peace to write my warm fuzzies and Veronica wanted to do reflection so we went and sat outside the facil's dorm, just outside our dorm too, on the stairs.She just sat as I finished my warm fuzzy to Jeremy and wrote in my diary and talked for a bit. After a while, Bryan, Shaun, Darrell and Arthur went down. Dwayne came up and sat with Veronica and me and even Colette came out. Dwayne sent Colette back to sleep because she had a migraine. We sat and talked and we realised...it was about 1:30am, we had been sititng there for an hour or more talking. Then, Teresa and Jared came up the stairs and sat on the lower flight, diagonally below from me and we talked a bit too, whispering, in case the facils heard us (they were debriefing downstairs for the LONGEST time). We couldn't sleep and didn't want to be sent back. We stayed for a while mroe and then the facils came up. Edward and Ben sat on the steps with us and we talked and I told them what happened. After a while, they asked if we wanted to go into the facil's room for a while because there was aircon so we did.

Ben spread out his green blanket and cute little cushion-pillow coz he didnt' bring his sleeping bag and there was another sleeping bad around so we centred ourselves around that area. Dwayne, Veronica and me chatted, laughed and whatnot. After a while, Veronica and Dwayne left, around 2:30 but I stayed on, had a long talk with Joanna until about 4:30am. It was a really good night!

Next day, last day in camp! We walked around Maris Stella Kindergarten after a session and I was playing with the Cockatoo which was really friendly and responding to me :D M
OH I FORGOT TO MENTION MY GROUP!
Francis and Rachel were my facils, Leoanrd, Marcus Tyler, Jospeh, Cheryl and Jocelyn were in my group and we were quite an odd but nice one. Francis was a really cool facil, here Francis, be grateful I'm saying it (:
Didn't want to go home but I reflected at the end of it, I didn't feel tired at all, funnily enough! Considering the 2 hours of sleep I had that night...

Anyway. Met Julia and Eugene in church and we went to print the stuff for publicity the next day and Julia sneaked us into NAFA. Okay, here's my long entry on camp for now! I'll have a follow-up on God in my life!

ADVENTURE CAMP 2008

2008-03-10T15:03:00.019+08:00

Hey, I know you guys have been waiting FOREVER, so here's the important stuff. The really candid photos can be seen on my FACEBOOK :

Our "tentages"

-sleeping in tents as really quite cool. On the first night, I had Nicole, Lizzie and Nicolette in my tent. It got really cold during the night but I DID get enough sleep, luckily! On the second night, we were a bit squahsed with Jaime in it, but it was fine and there were some really weird sleeping positions, I remember (I think I had my arm across Nicole) and I guess I sorta stunk because I refused to shower in the yucky toilets. The last shower I had was the night before. But, oh well! :D Iniki didn't shower either...

My tent isn't there though, I practically RAN for the best position, facing the sea on the outermost rim of tents!

"Violent tree huggers"

- Me, Marie, Nicole and Iniki. During our shower and rest break, we decided to take a walk along the beach. These are only a few of the really crazy photos we took. It was lovely weather and we just chilled doing the funniest things as evening approached. It was really very peaceful there.

Yes, the 3 bambinoes rockin' it on. As always. Look out for the 3 bambinoes in SYDNEY.
(Coming soon- May 2008)

Running against the wind. Funny as :D Look, all the treetops have been swayed to one side!

And the caption for this one is "She walks by the ocean" from Rosie's Lullabye by Norah Jones. Thats Lizzie, me, and Suzanne. The sea is really soothing and peaceful. We're not walking, standing still but that line struck out at me. And those are actually all our names carved on the sand!

The long hair blowing through the wind. Feel the salty air as they stand watching.

Of course, this was totally my idea- awesome oi. 3 B's running from the trees!

Day 2, just before Iniki and me attempt to climb the broken bridge. I look really plump here. See my rope? We're on belay. Marie, in white, is was our belayer.

This is the broken bridge we climbed. We went first-

I’d say the thing that struck and impressed me the most during adventure camp had to be the ropes course.

It was easily the most challenging because when you’re up there, you’re face to face with your mortal fears. I was looking forward to doing the ropes course but I had no idea what they really meant by “ropes course”. I have no idea what in the world pushed me to agree and volunteer to try out the “broken bridge” with Iniki but I did.

Climbing up that pole, my heart started beating very, very fast. I wondered how the hell I was gonna get through that course.

When I finally reached the top, I almost fainted. I was a good 10-12m off the ground. When you’re up there, the whole world stills and its you and your fear of falling even though you’re on belay.

You wonder what in the world possessed you to take that first step and start climbing because you know you can’t just give up and go back (no matter how much you want to) and you have to face it- you’re stuck! Well, I wasn’t

Almost paralysed with fear of walking on the shaky broken bridge, I clung to the pole in desperation.

But then Iniki, who was already on the bridge, called out to me and I took a deep breath and took the first step. Since the bridge wasn’t connected directly to the pole, only two thin wires were before me.

I gingerly stepped and balanced myself on those two wires and onto the first plank of the bridge. The whole bridge wobbled and I clung to my belay rope, frightened wits getting to me. Even though they shouted for me not to hold on to it, I couldn’t.

Mortal fear overcame me again until Iniki started singing a Busted song we sang together in Sec 1- Meet you there.
I'm waiting for the perfect time to call you back, because I remember say-ay-aying

Iniki waits for me to come and balances as the bridge tips from side to side. She then reaches for my hand and we cross the bridge together.

And we've done it! Safe at last. Hugging the pole from sheer relief. We've done it!

The hardest one we didn't try...
h no!

The next course I did was the most impactful. It was quite a few meters lower than the broken bridge course, but it was more scary, to me. It consisted of 4 swinging logs, three in a row, an even smaller log with space for a single foot and one more log.

Close up of the logs course.
Iniki went across like a monkey and since I was pairing Nicole and she wanted to go on, I somehow agreed to even though I was terrified of the prospect. I don’t know how in the world she convinced me but I found myself climbing another pole yet again but quickly this time. As soon as I reached the top, I started singing “For All You’ve Done” shakily. Almost yelling “My savior! Reedeemer! Lifted me from the miry clayyyyyyyyyyyy!”, I stepped onto the first swinging log. I was determined to get over it fast. It sort of sparked a confidence in me and I got over the first log quite well. I could hear my class cheering below and motivated by their cheers I started on that tiny log.

Woe and behold, my foot got caught just as I let go of the log and I ended up with one leg through that small triangle of space with my left hand desperately hanging on to the rope with my other leg and hand dangling out.

Everyone shouted for me to pull myself out but it was impossible. For the next 10 minutes (or what felt like it), I tried my best to swing my leg to reach the other log but it was just too far away. It was almost impossible to turn the small log around no matter how hard I tried.

But my class underneath me never gave up- they screamed and shouted directions for me, encouraging me. But what must have touched me the most was Nicole. She was on the log I was on before, hanging there in mid-air and she never stopped encouraging me. I can bet you she was paralysed with fear as well but she still helped me.

If not for her or my wonderful class, I would never have held on for as long as I did. My hands were getting tired of holding myself up but I refused to give up so easily. I struggled and finally managed to swing my leg onto the other log. However, somehow my two legs became hooked onto the small log and the big one and I was almost hanging upside down.

Just as my class started chanting “Don’t let go! Don’t let go!”, I felt my tired muscles give way. As I was lowered to the ground admit cheers, I burst into tears as emotion overwhelmed me. The sheer gravity of what had happened brought on waves of emotion and I collapsed into Marie’s arms as I touched the ground.

Surrounded by Iniki, Meishi and my closest friends as they all hugged me tightly, I felt so loved. When Nicole reached down, I ran to hug her and started sobbing even harder. Soon, Nicole started to cry as she said she felt so bad that she couldn’t help me and I don’t know if I could have felt more love for this blessed friend of mine as we hugged tightly. Meishi also started to tear.

Caught on camera just before I'm heading up to do abseiling. Safety helmet ON!

Just before I climb up. Might have been the last shot... haha nah kidding!

One last cheeky glance....

That first shaky step is always the freakiest...... wobble, wobble.

And I look like a pro here (: Haha I felt anything BUT, though! Jumping is REALLY hard when you feel the heat from the rope friction and your glove. And Iniki went like a frog down.

Tired, but happy people :D

SEC 3/4 OH EIGHT!

Afterward, a lot of people came up to me and affirmed me for having the courage to hold on. They said if it was them, they wouldn’t have held on as long as I did, they would have been scared to bits and just let go. I don’t feel bad for not completing the course.

To me, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I took that first step no matter how terrified I was and went as far as I could go and didn’t give up until the very end. The strength each and every one of us exemplified is beyond words.

And it really did bond us all. It made us more transparent, made us show our fear, our emotion and determination. Made us open up.

It was personal yet it was shared. It was many things and we trusted each other with our lives (we were belaying each other).And I would never have held on if not for everyone cheering me on or Iniki and Nicole being there.

2008-03-07T23:10:00.002+08:00

Do you ever feel fake? I do. Heaps of times. Or does someone make you feel like you're fake? I'm gonna be honest here- I've been feeling super fake. Its something someone I see every day brings out in me. There's so much substance and truth in me- ask my friends, they'll vouch for me. just lately I've found myself. I don't know... is fake the right word?

Its been affecting me very much and it feels like a trip back in the past. She sees the need to constantly LOOK and be better than everyone else. There are all sorts of these people around but because, well, she's around me quite a bit, it just ticks me off. It gets to me. But we're here friends. And Jesus loved everyone didn't he? thats what I have to do. Just. Grit my teeth. Show her love. Challenge. Challenge.

Still tackling with myself. Everyone has struggles with themselves. I guess its kinda interesting to see how everyone struggles with themselves one way or another. There are constant fights within me.

Its the end of Term1 and boy, am I glad because I've been real tired and also, my sojourn to Trollywood for a while. This one week break (not exactly FREE- I'm actually quite glad I have things to do) from the tiring monotony of school- waking up early, forcing myself to just get up and face the day with all its own problems- just dealing with challenges makes me want to take a break from everything.
I need a break from people. My tolerance level has been getting lower by the day and my no-gossiping abstinence has almost disappeared. I'm finding it increasingly hard to just tolerate. I need a break break breakkk to recollect myself.

I'm going to ice skate with Jaime and I'm not sure who on Monday. I've been dying to just move. Dance. Express myself. Glide, fly, spin (Jaime's gonna teach me). Seems like a fun idea.

I want to continue surrounding myself with people close to my heart and God- 'specially eXcess. I can't tell you how much I cherish time spent with them. Its a relief, and enjoyment, a rest to just be with these wonderful, amazing people.

Spent a bit of time with Jeremy and Freda after school. Short time, sitting in Macs, Jeremy left briefly after we arrived but it was nice to spend time with these two so close to my heart, the core of me. And then I decided to join Sylvia and Freda for tea and mass and stations of the cross. Sylvia, Freda and me. Ah, we've got to spend more quality time together.
Oh and I went home with Veronica the other day- a nice chat and a time.
And then. Freda and me ended up attending the eXcess meeting on the upcoming Overtime, and event open to all the youth! Its so exciting, just watch out for us. I just love eXcess.

Cc4 camp on Thursday. I can't believe its out last camp. Our last cat class camp. Its been a good two years for me. So much has happened, I've grown as a person so much and the friendships I've made... Freda, Sylvia, Veronica, Joseph,Colette.... my tightest. I can't wait. its gonna be an awesome camp. Facil: Rachel! Joel Er!

Running After You by Planetshakers is playing.

Okay here's your update.

2008-03-05T23:51:00.005+08:00

Freda bending down to view her shot. Me capturing that moment in time. The night of the gig, as I remember it. Those poignant memories of Jeremy and me, along with Freda, Edward, Leon and Joseph. A significant night in the days to come, when I smelt change and the last of something. The arrow defines a spot. This night- this memory defined a lot of things.

So its 9 to 12 on a school night and I'm up! yes I had a little sleep this afternoon, about an hour to be exact that seemed to boost my energy.

Last night was a bit rough, didn't get to sleep 'till about 1:30am in the morning. I just lay awake and heard all my thoughts tumbling around the room. eXcess was great- joanna's teaching was SPOT ON!

And, people, I'm back. Yes, the mature me is back. For the last few weeks, something has come over me. I have no idea what it is. Well, yes, Amanda was gone for a day to the trolleywood. Is my english screwed here? Sorry, its almost midnight and my brain is working by... default (now if I say default, it implies the default is to use screwed-up english)? No, I think my brain is just using up the back supply of energy. Last night with very little hours of sleep, I woke up (laid in bed for about a few more mintues) but got up completely and I didn't feel zombified or anything which was good.

Now. Anyway, enough of the prattling on. See, school's been a bitch. The workload, the problems, the everything. No, no bitchfights or whatever. I love my friends, they've been brilliant. I guess its just dealing with changes and learning to tolerate people thats exhasuted me. Yes, the usual changes that take place at the beginning of the year. So, that, facing changes, keeping up with that tiring schedule of mine and catching up with work and just facing EVERYTHING, you know?

Sometimes, I wake up and just not want to go to school. It takes me everything just to get out of bed. Have enough sleep. Get up, do a bit of work and then enjoy myself. Weekends are so precious and they pass by so fast. I've felt so tired and drained. And depressed, mostly. In the end,I ended up retreating into some unknown world. Trollywood?

For those of you who see me nearly every day or somewhat and talk to me often would've noticed. I felt myself just want to lose control sometimes. Go ga-ga over a boy I think its really cute because being so serious and mature about Jeremy sort of made me want to be more...just not think so much, for once. Let myself flounder and go crazy over the smallest thing. Sounds like the usual me? Not really me of the past few months if you'd noticed. And there are issues I'm dealing with about myself. Yes, issues everyone has, just acting up again due to provoking incidents here and there. Made me want to talk, yet talk to someone who'd really understand. Or perhaps I just wanted a specific person(s) to understand.

So yes, it was kind of a depressing period- but somehow. I guess thats fine, you know? I'm coming out of it, last Sunday I felt myself slipping back into the more serious, mature me.

Yesterday was a feeling-crappy day. Even though I was back, well, everyone has to deal with the aftermath, right? eXcess brought me right back to where I belong- God. (oh yeah, Monday's wake up call was brilliant, watched The Passion). I'd felt so far away and once again I had let myself slip away. Now. I'm back.

I feel better. Doing daily reading, talking to God, QT, brilliant! And needless to say, I GOT THROUGH TODAY! I never thought I would. Leading morning prayer this morning, I told God- Hey, you got me out of bed. So please get me through. And he did. I didn't sleep during tution. I caught up with everything. Studied for Chem successfully and Bio.

Thanks guys for just, you know, once again, putting up with me. eXcess- I love you guys. You're so encouraging and I'm more than blessed to be with you guys every week.

My mates from school tolerate my nonsense everyday. Could I say anymore? Stuff may not seem exactly right now, but we're all learning to adjust and accept. Slowly. Slowly.

Last week after camp I told myself: two more weeks, just two more weeks. That week was utter crap. Wanted to run away and scream from everything. This weekend was my break. And then I told myself one more week. Even though the holidays ARE Loaded, its not with school work. And BEFORE the holiday ends, I HAVE MY cc4 CAMP! I am so looking forward to it. This is it, guys. That camp we've been waiting for since cc2. We're here, getting confirmed. And I don't want to think about next term, or imagine the tiredness or whatever. cc4 camp- my refiller.

Fine. Looking in the future a bit. I have my MID-YEARS (clear that, and I'm OFF TO SYDNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <----------woohoo. BUSTER BUSTER)

POETRY NIGHT & IJ FIESTA (performing. though these are GIVING ME STRESS and part of the reason why I went to trollywood) but i guess when the time comes it'll be lovely.

OH DID I FORGET?

EE DOREEN IS COMING! (they haven't been out of New Zealand for like. what. 10 years? I mean. As in. To Singapore, exlcuding daniel and Kheng Teo). Haven't seen Ee since I left NZ!

JUNE HOLIDAYS. RECHARGE RECHARGE.

July!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FREDA, COLETTE AND AMANDA'S COMBINED SWEET 16th!

CONFIRMATION!!!!!!!!!!!!! (DON AND TONI ARE COMING!)

And after that. We'll see.

YOUTH DAY.

And maybe Emily?

Okay. And for Freda and all. O LEVELS.

vuunderful.

2008-03-02T17:49:00.002+08:00

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY JULIA!

On Saturday, eXcess went to Jule's birthday party which was quite funny if I might say so myself. Chris smashed cake onto her face and she got pushed into the pool twice. Well done, Chris, "girlfriend!"! And we won't forget the sight of Ben Chia riding up that slope with heaps of balloons tied to the bike, you go BENJAMIN :D It was so cute!
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD........................... We have eXcess on Tuesdays' again! I'M SO HAPPY. My week feels so happy without them Tuesdays- at least I don't feel so tired during the week.

So today was nice (: Subway with Jeremy, Marcus, Ben and Freda. FOOTLONG again.CC4 camp next next week, i swear i can't wait! Except that thing I found out that might just make me feel... ARGH. no more deja vu people! O

The world's a busy place.

2008-02-25T22:29:00.000+08:00

The world's a busy place.
Adventure camp was awesome. The things 3/4 achieved, overcame and experienced were beyond amazing. The things I did- when I look back, I can hardly believe I did them. I will blog about that another day.

Now as the term is ending, (2 more weeks inclusive of this left to go) I feel the tiredness sinking in. But God seems prevailant here. We watched Evan Almighty today for RME and as yes, the message I got was a strong one, one that I'm sure you've heard before.

"Now if you pray for patience, do you really think God gives you patience, or opportunities to be patient?"

Well, there's my answer there. I've prayed for so many things and Gods given me many opportunities. To go beyond myself in love and reach out to those in need, those who people turn against.

Still struglling with a lot of issues but hey,t hats life and he's always there.

And V-day arrives.

2008-02-14T21:41:00.002+08:00

"Roses, one from Jaime and one from Ms Tan. Fallen petals....significant?"

And its a happy valentine's day to everyone. I believe that this is a day when you can show your appreciation to friends but it shoudn't be the only day.

School was abloom with roses ordered and delivered, cookies and chocolate were mucnched (Tolberone definitely made the most money, I'm guessing. I had 3 mini bars.)

Yes, you could feel the love and it was a nice Valentine's day with an ace photo-taking session and we came up with a bunch of songs for adventure camp. I really do love 3/4, they are awesome!

Went for eXcess on Tuesday, and it was a really awesome session. eXcess people have been so welcoming, its touched me a lot. And I went with Freda and Jeremy :D

God's working through lives.

2008-02-05T23:02:00.000+08:00

"Extract from my diary- the song lyrics of keep holding on. Significance in the green underlined with red"

ASH TUESDAY! Whoa, and long CNY break!

Finally, exhausted and I'm sure the circles under my eyes speak volumes.

Today was my last session in MM ): Well, it wasn't a session. But a future-deciding meeting. And I've decided to move on and join eXcess for their sessions on tuesday.

It so sad. Moving on. But its a new journey and everything. Tiredness. ENJOY CNY everyone. Its gonna be over soon.

I cried, Mm has been my almost everything for the past one year and now I'm actually moving on. I can't believe it.

C'est Si bon a good day!

2008-02-02T15:08:00.000+08:00

Me Painting my banner @ The River Hong Bao event. The rat figure is in every banner. Stylistic waves swirl and the Esplanade lies slightly on top.

Saturday everyone!

Yes, yesterday I was TGIF (Thank God its Friday!)-ing all day. I mean, my week has STILL been packed. Week 5 into school and I'm still as busy as I was. A lot of lack of sleep as well, with so much stuff to do. Homework to complete, projects to finish and keeping up with people.

I've found myself many a time dosing off (especially in chinese, my sleeping time!) and waking up from a little energizing rest (yes, and having drooled on whatever I was lying on...) I carry on for another part of the day until I doze off again. And the circles under my eyes are ever widening... *sighs*... Funnily enough, I can hear my brother gently snoring in the other room...

Well, last night was in chinatown shopping at around midnight (was nice, with Colette, Angelica, Uncle Mart, Aunty Racq and my mum) and came home quite tired and listened to my new Lisa Ono Jambalaya-Bossa Americana CD which contains Bossanova American songs with the slightest hint of jazz. Beautiful to falling asleep with. I love the song "Gentle On My Mind", what a sweet song.

It's knowing that your door is always open
And your path is free to walk
That makes me tend to leave my sleeping bag
Rolled up and stashed behind your couch
And it's knowing I'm not shackled
By forgotten words and bonds
And the ink stains that have dried upon some line
That keeps you in the backroads
By the rivers of my mem'ry
That keeps you ever gentle on my mind

What a lovely oldie. Yes, you're gentle on my mind, all the time.

2008-01-31T17:56:00.000+08:00

I love this photo I took. It was last Saturday, just before the River Hong Bao project thing I was supposed to attend. I arrived at the Esplanade alone about half an hour early and I had pruposely brought my camera to go on a little photo journey of my own. Might be nice to start developing my photographing skills. So yeah, I loved the contrast, the smooth grey metal made spikey yet in a pattern of continuation against the blue sky anf fluff of a white cloud.

Just walking around in the sunshine when everything was closed and not crowded was a lovely feeling.

MM. Freda and me have decided to move on from Mm. Yes, I know its quite a shock I guess. Its been a long time coming, I feel. However, I'm not looking backwards. I don't regret giving all I've given or anything, really. Its been a year long journey that has ended as Freda and me start a new one. But the people there are still the dearest to my heart.

And Jeremy's talking to me again. After a month. He called me yesterday and I wa so happy. And that was just after I had decided to let go of him.
Welcome home, you, I know you by the name, how do you do, I shine because of you today so come and sit down, tell me how you are, you know [son] its good just to see your face.

Yes. Its all the same, all the same, Pebbles.

Veronica's birthday lunch (finally)

2008-01-20T19:45:00.000+08:00

HELLO HELLO HELLO :D
Today Sylvia, Freda, Joy, Shaun, Arthur, Dwayne and Daryl went for Veronica's birthday lunch at Just Acia @ Dhoby Ghaut@ We all had set meals, from $6 onwards with a free flow of soft drinks, coffee AND ice cream :D
Lots of laughter with jokes and everything, it fels good to be out with them again!
Headed off to Suntec City to meet Shawnie @ Gelare for ice cream and talkies.

HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY VERONICA. We finally made your bithday lunch. Uh-huh. Like 2 weeks after your birthday.

And it was the FIRST CAT CLASS OF THE YEAR TODAY :D
Whoa, w're CC4 already. Has time really passed that fast? It seems like just yesterday I was walking into the first lesson @ Cc2 and had no idea that I would grown deeply with all these people and really become part of the Youth of Christ The King. God's grace has shone down on me these past two years and I'm so proud to be called a youth of Christ The King!

We're getting confirmed this year! But poor Freda can't make it for our Cc4 camp. I can't believe she can't make it for the ultimate confirmation camp but its okay, Italy's gonna be great, Freeds!

How long, no one knows. Its hard, but because you mean so much to me, I bear with it and wait on. Not that you realise it, anyway.

January

2008-01-18T19:22:00.000+08:00

Just got back from cycling to church to book the room. It's good to be out there cycling again and flying over the pavement.

Schools been so busy, and already its the 18th of Jan! Almost 3 weeks have gone by so fast and there's so much assignments coming in. and also, my brilliant friends!

Firstly, it was Iniki's birthday on Monday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY (belated by now) biniki, here's my blog dedication to you, and on Tuesday I gave her this book with a decorated cover (Nicole & me during English the previous Friday much to Ms. Tan's dismay) and 62 pages filled with about 85 pictures of us, dating all the way back to 2006 and funny captions. It was her birthday present but I didn't pass it to her on Sunday, which was her birthday at the Hedger Household (met Shaun- thought I did on tuesday after MM, Alastair, Dylan- cutie!, Shanice and of course, Darren). Quite a fun party, and my poor cousin Emily spent her last night at the partay as well.

We all made a whirlpool in the jacuzzi and it was awesome! And lovely food made by AUNTY ANGELA. Okay. Anyway. I wasn't able to give it on Monday 'coz I didn't go to school and well, I hadn't finished it.

But I did on Tuesday, though it was rushed, and I thank all those who helped me to complete it and give it to Iniki after drama. And our dear friend cried. Yes she cried when she got the book :D ILY, Iniki.

Well, life, as I have said is passing so fast. But in the midst of my busyness, I've got to thank Nicole, Jaime, MEISHI, Iniki and Andrea so much. Zomg you guys are the bestest, always concerned and always listening to me. Especially Meishi, <3 you postively, dearest. All those little notes in my diary, for confiding in me, hearing me out and sharing nearly everything with me, I miss sitting next to you, my bestest :D
I actually quite enjoy the busyness. I do get quite tired but it makes my day feel so full and lived out and every one is a day of God's power, through Ms Tan or my friends, I'm always sensing him there. I keeps me from getting idle. Everything's moving so fast now, we're already mid- January and I'm just the teensiest bit behind.

On top of that, Edward sort of asked me if I wanted to he;p write this awesome graphic novel, Christian themed and I said I would. It feels good to be writing again, everyday I make sure I drop entries into my journal and its already filled with song lyrics, little bits of my life, long reflections, random post-its from friends, and of course, quite a few personal little messages from meishi. Also, I've started writing poems again. I'll let you into a few.

7th Jan-
As she closed her hand over yours
Keep her heart tight in your plams
This little beating thing...
You hold her world in your hands

10th Jan-
These butterfly wings
I've been flying on
Are almost failing me now
Words once spoken
And decisions once made
Are losing their faith
But I'm trying
Trying not to give up

These dropping wings
Submerged in uncertainty
I've been flying on
They're look for rest
In that nest you call your heart
Promises broken
Or promises never made
Are trying
Trying not to give up'

18th Jan, today
Might one day
We lie beneath the stars
And suppose
This is our destiny?

Every sparkle
Every twinkle
Is a flash of hope
For what our future's may bring

-------

The night sky is our haven
Holding the memories
Of Old and young
Or dreams once dreamt
Or places we've met

And I just hope
That you'll keep them safe there
And treasure them
Like I do yours
And mine

And the only thing we'll ever let go of is hate
And with our hearts full of love we'll remember
Everything.

Still working on them. What a joy to write again. I haven't written for almost a year. And now, I'm writing.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGNES :D LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Stuff.

2008-01-10T20:30:00.000+08:00

Freda, Me ( & Alfred), Jeremy and Joseph- Mm @ Youth camp. A picture frozen in time.

Hey guys! Wow, they week has flown by so fast! I've been piled up with stuff to do for school and everything, its completly OATS (otts) as Leon would say. Schools been fun sitting with my dearest Meishi Koon :D

Like today, Meishi bit into half a dried prune and threw it out past the corridor into the parade square and we almost peed ourselves laughing. Also, I'm sure Iniki, Nicole or Meishi would delight in telling you a certain story we hatched that turned into a drama that has sparked off endless laughter. And to whom do we owe such a great, um, inspiration? Mr. Darren Hedger! Congratulations, your crocs have won a place in our latest story "The Deadly (Green) Crocs" as the one who started it all!

He never reads my blog so he's unlikely to find out, but if he does, I'm sure he'll be um, flattered!

Anyway. Yes I've been so busy and its quite awesome being busy, actually :D Gotta catch up on that sleep, been sleeping at 11:15 these past few days! And Mm had a totally rocking session on Tuesday night except that we were missing Jeremy ): and I have to say I LOVE MM. Guys, its a new year, a newer journey! And Yes, my dad did let me stay on! Now I gotta convince him to let me play for Youth mass in April!

Certain decisions have unfolded themselves on me and I'm thankful I have such great friends supporting and helping me and figuring out what it all means.

Its gonna be a long wait, but the memories & pictures will keep me alive.

And Emily's going back on Tuesday night ):. Oh my!

Gonna watch The Crucible now. Shiver. It looks a bit scary & there's no one home! But I have to...for drama!

2008-01-06T20:12:00.000+08:00

Today has been a day of mixed emotions. I can't decided if it was good or bad.
Funny isn't it, how it takes one thing to mess it up despite the hundred other things that were good.
But I shall try hard to focus on the good stuff. So today, I went for 9:45mass with Jo & Julius. Jason didn't attend with us ): FREDA WOKE UP LATE.
After mass toddled down to Thompson Plaza with Joseph and Shaun to get money then ate at KFC with them and Julius. We had a good laugh talking, Shaun's very funny! :D
Back to church, mixed around with everyone, and went for lunch with eXcess. Then Freda and Jeremy Norfor came over to get my library books & load photos onto my thumbdrive for printing. We laughed over so many photos. Then Jeremy and me hung in the library and talked 'bout church stuff. It was really fun hanging with you Jem :D

Your embrace was my air oh, how I needed you there.

3 weeks. I will wait. Hope I don't break before then.
3 weeks will turn into 4 and then a month. Who knows how long it will be before everything is right again?

Priceless.

2008-01-06T20:06:00.001+08:00

Priceless- Copeland

I remember when I'd run to you
through field of white flowers
Your embrace is my air
How I needed you there
And all of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me

Cause I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been

And then I waved goodbye to you
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I was too proud to see that
All of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me

Cause I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been

Taking for granted
(taking for granted)
... all of her smiles
That got away

And now I'm looking up to you
From fields of white flowers
You were so proud of me
I'm so proud of you
All of the world and
All of it's powers
Couldn't keep your love from me no
Couldn't keep your love from me

Cause I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here

I need you
Like the dragonfly's wings need the wind
Like the orphan needs home once again
Like heaven needs more to come in
I need you here like you've always been

You don't feel me like I feel you.

This song. On replay. Means everything

2008, oh 2008

2008-01-06T01:09:00.000+08:00

A new year. 2008. Wow! Banging.

Iwas just reading back on old entries just now. So much has changed since then.

Anyway. School's started, and its actually quite good! I'm sitting with dearest Meishi Koon now & this girl's awesome, I tellyou! We've been talking a lot about God recently. She's such an encouragement to my spiritual life, its brill. 3/4's not a bad class, really. Quite like it. Everything is so fast-paced now but it makes me feel on-track.

And of course, Iniki and Nicole :D The three bambinoes, thats us. Together for the third year!

I HAVE MS. MICHELLE TAN as FORM!. Yes, 3/4 people are all lucky pigs, I know. she's the nicest teacher ever. Like, seriously. She really cares about us and shows it. Really makes an effort to understand us as well. And she never hesitates to share about God and all. I told her the other day about this brilliant sensation I felt during quiet time during class (c'zo meishi and me sit in the front) and she told me that it usually signifies an anointing.

God has been so present with me recently. No, let me rephrase. I've been so aware of God's presence recently. He's always there, its just whether I bother to be aware of him.

2008, oh 2008, how will you turn out?

Let me be there for you.

The new year?

2007-12-31T13:51:00.000+08:00

Its been a year. So much has happened during the year. The year went by so fast!

Youth camp is over! Youth camp 07 Stuck In The Shades ROCKED. Check out my Friendster/ Facebook for the pics. I LOVE YOUTH CAMP :D (Everything by Lifehouse!)
Christmas has passed. Emily's here and Leon's come and gone.

SYF. Promenade. Streaming. Drama. Mm. Everything.

So much has come and gone this past year that I've shocked myself. My fifteenth year has been so..... busy...exhilarating.

And next year is coming. 2008. Who knows what it'll bring?

2007-12-26T13:40:00.000+08:00

Youth camp has passed (it was awesome). Emily's here, Leon is here and Christmas is passing.

2008 is coming as it comes I watch it in a bit of fear. No Mm. At all. I can't bear the thought of no Mm. Its something I've held on to for so long. Yet there is so little hope of dad changing his mind. Sure, I'll be back in June if my results allow.

To Jeremy, Shawn, Jason, Anthony, Stefan, Julius, Joseph and Freda. I Need you guys. Don't leave me. I need us to stay together as a group. My break from Mm. What am I going to do?

2007-11-27T23:11:00.000+08:00

Well, I asked God to renew my principles but I didn't expect it to be so inmyface... well, expect the unexpected.

Like, lately, I've found out about more couples being together (yes, obviously, couples meaning to be together and if they weren't they wouldn't be together).

And I've just observed. All these people in a relationship... they don't seem to honour their commitments because of his/her partner this, his/her partner that.
I think its kinda selfish actually. If you're in such a loving relationship (as most friends have told me, they say: oh he loves me so much!), then shouldn't your partner encourage you to keep and honour your commitments instead of asking you to break them in order to attend to their needs?

Especially if its minor, like just say, you have a migrane and need your boyfriend/girlfriend to comfort you at the cost of an important meeting. I don't think thats loving another person because you're clearly depriving the other party of this important meeting and their needs.

Just a comment. I felt kinda miffed when one of my friends high tailed off to take care of his headached- partner, when I needed his support at a session I was running. Kinda disappointed too.

Stillness?

2007-11-25T00:31:00.000+08:00

Sometimes just doing nothing is enjoyable. Like today even though I got up and the first thing I did when I looked in the mirror was gasp because my eye bags seemed huge, it was sunny.

Like in NZ. Just sunny. The whole house was light and empty and quiet. I love that. Even though I was growled at for being on the computer without asking. And I got a bit grumpy.

Was talking to Lloyd on msn. He said something like he's realised its hard to get in a happy mood without going out with friends or something. For a while, or the last few months, its been a bit like that. (Except for school; Iniki, Nicole and Sarah provide all the laughs you'll ever need).

Somehow, life has become simpler. I realise I'm spending less and less time at home now. This whole year, freedom has come. I've done so many more things I couldn't do before.

Today, Freda popped over before mass and we went cycling and rollerblading. It was fun just exercising and enjoying the sunshine with a friend. Makes me feel like I don't want to go to the movies ever again. Since the last movie I watched (Ratatouille) with Darren, I haven't felt the want to go near another cinema. It seems like such a.... dunno, thing to do.

I realised I've been yearning for a certain bit of quietness in my life. Not as having little activities, but have quietness within me. Like at Clarke Quay, Freda and me didn't do anything in particular except walk around but there was something about sitting on the steps by Singapore River and hearing the screams of people on the GMax that was so enjoyable. Just being there.

Today, rollerblading. It was really sunny and hardly any people were there to obstruct my rollerblading path, a good thing really, seeing the last time I rollerbladed was a few years ago. That scenery makes me feel like NZ. Nothing much to it, justy green/yellow-ness and vast fields.

And today, just sitting at the coffee shop after feast day, with Joseph and Freda, humming Lisa Ono and not saying anything. Boring, but boring felt good. After soaking in the atmosphere and mingling before the dinner started with Michael Buble playing. Just sitting there, not too noisy and just looking or relaxing there was good.

A lot of self-reflection. Spending time in my room is important for some reason. I love my new red bedspread. I've just realised I need that time.

I think I'm learning to be quiet in myself when outside. Being sociable, loud and well, just being me can be tiring. Even I need a break from me once in a while. Keep on thinking back to Leon's first email... when we're little we don't ever consider that life continues as it does and we leave people and places behind...........

Been thinking a lot about that. I just figured for the 17436284th time that I tend to over-complicate relations.

2007-11-22T22:53:00.000+08:00

Isn't it weird how after the exams, or after school ends, your life seems to lack structure? Or rather, my life.

If I get a night of uninterrupted sleep, I'm lovely. I rise around ten and it feels like half the morning is gone. Well, it is gone. And know I todder off to work at Everyspring Clinic where I basically spend the rest of the afternoon 'till about 4 when I head of home and jonnty down for a cycle and there's Jumong at 9:40pm.

Maybe thats structure. But sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
This holiday is passing me by. Thats a general holiday feeling. I'm not sure I agree with it completely, though. Its not exactly that exhilarated lovely happy holiday feeling.

Something in my life is not in order. I guess after a while the emotional twists turn me into someone that thinks and thinks and thinks and becomes a bit mellow. But anyone whose met me knows that I'm far from mellow.

Far from it, mate

Messages and priorities

2007-11-20T23:33:00.000+08:00

Yes, I'm back blogging here again...

Today basically was spent getting up and going for work at Aunty Bee Ngwah's clinic. I delighted in bagging pills (sounds like I'm a druggie but whatever) because this seemingly mindless task gave room for my brain to think and stop trying to distract itself from thinking of something that causes... well, not very nice feelings shall we say.

And to add that last night, being in the middle of the night or early early morning, I felt like so... all over the place I called Kenneth's phone like two times on the rare chance he might've been up so we could chat and messaged him twice as well. But he didn't so I just put on my favourite soothing CD- "Under The Stars" and transplanted myself into my favourite-out-of-the-world place. My hiding place. I think I got it from some TV ad where it shows this dark purple twilight beach with some hawaiian dancer... its been with me ever since.

Somewhere where I will go in future. I've had moments like that, when I'm lost in the scenery, and I have that strange feeling where everything's far away. Where I lose myself totally. And the sand is white, bright in the darkness.

This has been with me since childhood. This white sand as well, the sand is particularly soft and it comes back to haunt me, in dreams, in thoughts etc. I first heard of this sand in Maori folktales, when I imagined how the beach was at night, I heard and saw the sand. I saw it on TV and this is my place.

I know its real, I will travel someday and I know I will find it. And I won't be alone. I sound all weird and mystical now and I guess I'm not making any sense. Kudos to those who can understand me.

How'd I get here? Yes last night. I put on that CD. And I was on that beach. I lose myself in places sometimes. Looking at the sky. I lose myself. Its been since NZ.

I used to lie on the tramp with Leon. And I'd just breathe in the air and look at the white fulffy clouds. In Cornwall, where everything was so vast, I'd lie and look. Now the sky has something for me. There are moments when I feel that burst of colour darkening into the night. It happens sometimes, usually at a bus stop waiting for the bus, Braddell Road, etc.

Its where I go to escape from myself. And my thoughts. Thoughts can be painful. And thats where God is. In the beauty. Its there.

Well. Really, I forgot what I want to blog about. Nevermind. Here's one,

MODEL MODEL UN

2007-11-17T17:11:00.000+08:00

HELLLOOOOO peoples.
So much has been going for the last like...4 days, not inclusive of today and I've been absolutely too tired to blog about it. Maybe thats the fact that I've been sleeping late and waking up early for breakfast with Marrissa before a day at school for the Model United Nations workshop.

MUN. Oooooh, I tell you, its been fun and I was assigned the Republic of Peru. Oh yes, the republic of peru. And Priscilla (that awesome piano player), Adwyn and Grace were with me in Peru. Oh yes we faced some mighty issues but it got on ohkay.

Can I declare my love for Priscilla's piano playing right now? Well, yes. Her lovely jazz-ish music is TO DIE FOR. Its just like how Samira declared her love for Linnette's voice! And Grace's speeches AND reso was AWESOMEE!

Okayy.... SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. We had debates and everything after the lectures and they were funny, for the SC debate, the ACSI boys decided to play a fool and try to overthrow the chair and declare war. And David Crawshaw kept us all in stiches (he later married Francesca) and I would like to state that MARRIAGES MADE BY THE MODEL MUN ARE NOT RECOGNISED OR VALID so that means adywn and my so-called marriage without consent of both parties is not valid.

Later on, before the end of the workshop, Sierra Leonie or whatever (Jeremy) , Myanmar (Lloyd) and Peru being the poverised countries declared war on the richer countries for being rich. It was sooo funny. We had a brilliant time. LOVED MUN. AND THE TRAINERS ORDERED PIZZA. Which comes from ITALY, Pris, NOT France as she tried to point out when Natasha Kleinman was doing the catwalk down the isle with the piece of pizza I saved for her.

I can talk all the UN jargon now and I sound smart talking it! Crawshaw made some (ahem ahem) dirty joke about him and Jeremy when a union between then was suggested and everyone got cracked up. Some funnable quotes:

"Aid to Africa of AIDS for Africa?"
"Motion to overthrow the chair and replace it with the half full or half empty bottle of water"
"Byt he power vested in me by....no one in particular..."
"The Democratic Republic or Congo requests the chair to request the USA..."

Tell'ment, c'est bon

2007-11-07T19:14:00.000+08:00

Lovely last two days. Seems like how I reorganized my room, I reorganized my life. Today I went down to cycle. Thats the second time in a week! I'm so proud of myself. And I've been eating less. WHOPPEE!

Yesterday, what did I do? Oh yes, went to school half an hour late and got my results! I GOT INTO A DOUBLE SCIENCE CLASS- 3/4 WITH INIKI AND NICOLE AND MEISHI! :D Then I had the drama showcase thing where I sucked but I wore this nice top and Iniki and Nicole were great and didn't forget their lines! Meishi was fantastic and here are the photos!

Sexy Iniki and Me The dark, dark, dance studio!

Meishi and me:D The four of us, lovely picture!

The sexy photos :D

:D Love us! Anyway after that I didn't change and after some persuasion from Iniki and Nicole and some that I looked nice, I went to mama's house. Iniki, Nicole and Andrea came with me and we had a ball watching the Korean trip, eating ice cream, and shouting up Darren's window. (Do NOT ask me why)

And then. Went home, took a lovely nap. OH! I reorganized my room and have a photo wall. This is part of it:

Then I went to J8 to meet Kenneth for dinner and we had a good time talking and laughing, before his guitar class. And then MM. More pictures!

Amanda Leo, once again, makes a bold statement

2007-11-03T18:07:00.000+08:00

Anyway let me give you my stance on dating now. I'm not going to date, yes me, Amanda Leo not going to date (I think its the 150th time I've saying this but I LOVE reaffirming myself over and over....) until I am much much older.

Because I've dated before an honestly speaking, the feeling fizzes out and in come stuff I don't want to deal with. I don't think I want to get into a relationship with a guy who doesn't want to marry me or is not even remotely considering it.

Because, if you aren't considering marriage, you're basically saying "I will "love" you in a special way and give you all my attention blah blah....until.............we break up" which is quite a selfish commitment if you ask me.

Everyone loves to be "loved" but in truth, this is only a feeling and it'll go away. Some sort of a cheap thrill. You've got to take into account the whole hormones thing we're going through and knowing me who does things on emotional impulse, I'm likely to be rash and regret it later. As usual. Even when I think it through................................................. well we all saw what happened with Darren didn't we? I mean, I started out all right,good in fact, all my principles in the right place, and then I just got caught up in feeling good and in the moment and everything went down from there. Its not surprising it did; granted Darren was also largely at fault too (and of course me, it was both of us).

Unless a guy isn't ready to commit to forever or for life, then why am I wasting my time knowing that the good feeling will end when the relationship does? And me who always gives my heart in everything and gets so emotionally involved, break-ups are like you know, a nightmare for me. Besides, if I want a guy telling me he loves me, I want him to love me forever, not just for a few years. I mean, whats the meaning in an "I love you" if a few months/years down the road he can say it to someone else and mean the same thing.

Even if he doesn't mean the same thing, why would I want a guy who is ABLE to say that to another girl. It almost loses all its value and meaning. Unless you're just looking for a fun ride, which I am not, well hmmmmmmmmm.
But being in and out of empty relationships, I've deicded I'm not gonna have to deal with this anymore. Besides, God has the right guy for me if I'm to be married and he knows best and so I should just wait for the right time to come around.

when I'm more able to handle my emotions (i'm a teenager, as i said, hormones) and when I find the right guy or a potential right guy then maybe the time will be right. Right now, a relationships just gonna pull me down rather than enhance my life. Emotional bondages, etc, not worth it! Besides, as experienced, simple friendships are a lot more fufilling and better for me as a person right now.
Of course I want to find Mr. Right, who doesn't? And I don't have to push that all for later, I can do it now but in the right way. Observing people and just keeping relationships to simple friends will be enough for me to learn whatever I need and define what I want in a guy.

Too much to ask? In my dreams? Doesn't happen in real life?
Not true, not true, not true. Take my parents for exmaple. They're happily married. Sure, they have problems, everyone does. But in the end, its worth it becuase its simply love.
I want the best and because God loves me, I deserve the best.

So lately...

2007-11-01T13:05:00.000+08:00

Hello, last time I blogged was like......... well it felt like AGES ago.
Anyway, so sorry I've been so occupied with playing pokemon:fire red that I couldn't be bothered to go online. Yes, gasp! Amandas's playing pokemon! See, in my freetime-ness, I picked up my brother's gameboy Adavance SP and.........poof!!! Pokemon! Hey, I'm good okay?! My pokemon happen to be extremely versatile!

Anyway I broke my specs on the last day of school and yesterday I just finished my dailys and mums getting me MONTHLYS! OOOH YEAH!

Haha anyway. Yeah, yesterday, Meishi and me went for this Kids Central Audition, it went alrite, they said I gave Luna (this character) a more mature side or something... don't know if thats good or bad, I gave them another perspective :D Lol Meishi and me camwhored when she came over, I'll put some pictures here and we watched Legally Blonde and Legally Blonde 2. Then we walked around forever trying to find a Macdonalds coz I was out of $$ and we couldn't find one so we walked to Raffles and ate Burger King.
Later on for MM, we bought Shawn a cake (happy birthday Shawn!) and Uncle Eric got mad at us for usual for not clearing off the room in time but it was okay in the end. Celina bought lovely delicious doughnuts. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Yesterday I went to immigration with mum, Andrew and Jeremy. I had to like get an extract of my citizenship because I LOST it in NZ somehwere. Sorry, not me, my parents :D Anyway they said I had to come back with dad 'coz he was the one who applied in the first place. Andrew extended his passport and so did Jeremy. Later, Jeremy and me went to Toa Payoh.

Anyway. Leon's coming in a MONTH. Can you believe it? A Month!!! I wa sjust telling Freda and Jeremy. First, he was my playmate in NZ. Then he became a memory to me, a distant memory of the times in NZ. Then he became a dream, then a recurring one. Then he became an idea. Then he became an email pal. Then he became more than an email pal, to me there was a connection...and now, he's COMING!

Whew. You know I think I'm never ever gonna date again. Not until I'm older, like 20 or something. I mean, ti8nk about it, if you're not in a realtionship working towards marriage, then you're saying "I will love you in a special way until we break up" or "I'll shower my care and attention on you... until we break-up". What a selfish committement that is. I mean, if I want someone's love, I want it forever, not just for a while. And would I be satisfied with someone who can tell me "I love you" and then like 6 years later maybe say the same thing to someone else? Nahhhhh man. I say I deserve the best!

2007-10-20T21:57:00.000+08:00

Okay so that last post was totally redundant and boring.

Did I tell you, recently, I've taken to watching Korea dramas... again. Okay, Like I'm currently into 3 of them. There's JUMONG: PRING OF LEGENG where you have that hot Jumong guy who also acts in another one I'm watching CONDITIONS OF LOVE or terms of endearment. Sappy, predictable korean dramas? Nope, not these two!!! Jumong is really cool, like its about history of Korea and all and that makes it awesome, Korean dramas set in the old times have lovely plots. Conditions Of Love isn't all about love... mainly its about the conditions of love. Its realistic and actually reflects some issues that society faces today.

Last one is more of a love drama. Its called... LOVERS!!! Sorrrrrrrry, I can't help but like it!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I can't wait for Leon to come! December is drawing nearer and nearer and I keep imaging up things I'll show him, etc. Before, I always wondered what it'd be like if he came... and now, he's REALLY COMING. It seems almost unreal to think he'll be here for CHRISTMAS my ultra most faved time of the year.

And I won't forget something that Kimberley and me are taking up together. We were talking about it in class the other day and we were all saying how we wished we never dropped it... I talked to my mum and she said I CAN take it up!! You'll probably laugh when you know but I'll prove you wrong!! So... happy guessing!

If I never knew you

2007-10-20T21:45:00.000+08:00

Hello. Seems amazing I haven't blogged for the longest time :D

Well did I mention? Exams are OVAH! Now listening to "If I never knew you" from Pocahontas... used to love that as a kid. Life is moving on... I went to Wild Wild Wet with Cory, Joyslyn and Sarah on Monday. It was fun fun FUN in the sun! We all got brill tans!!! First time and we had free passes and we met Sasha, Cleris and Audrey there :D Def. taking Leon there when he comes :D

Anyway so far, this week I've gotten my papers back and....dramatic pause.... I FAILED SCIENCE. Okay, stopped gasping for breath, I'm sorta over it... sorta over it. I don't know how I'm gonna fare but hey, crying over spilled milk ain't good. For the other subjects I got better than I expected. Except Chinese which I failed too. I got like 3 or 4 A's though!!

I had leadership camp which was ohkay... first day was really draggy and the second day started off fun but got draggy at the end.

The Heart's Cry

2007-10-09T15:18:00.000+08:00

Down there, one of my favourite songs from Riverdance, the Original Show. I grew up watching Riverdance as a child and I still have the video tape and watch it occasionally. Seems like nowadays, I'm able to relive my memories of New Zealand. The home movies daddy uploaded onto the TV feed it and bebo keeps me connected to all my best friends in NZ and Emily and Abbey and all.

Where the river foams and surges to the sea
Silver figures rise to find me
Wise and as daring
Following the heart's cry. I am that deep pool
I am that dark spring
Warm with a mystery
I may reveal to you
In Time
(Time holds the heart's key)
Key to everything is Love
(Love makes the heart flower)
Flowers into a deep desire
(Passion in the heart's fire)
Passion and desire

See the eagle rise above the open plain
Golden in the morning air
Weaving and soaring
Watchful and protecting
I am your shelter
I will enfold you
Warm with a mystery
I may reveal to you
In Time
(Time holds the heart's key)
Key to everything is Love
(Love makes the heart flower)
Flowers into a deep desire
(Passion in the heart's fire)
Passion and desire

Its Irish celtic music. Lol, I remember we used to celebrate St. Patricks day back in St. Joes and I remember one year, I think in year 4 we had a huge carnival. Mum helped out with the food stalls but when I mean huge, I mean huge. It was all over. I remember this girl Briar, a senior did Irish dancing and her hair was super curly for that and I wanted my hair like that. I bought this lovely fairy-ish necklace and we went on mission impossible and everything.
Olivia bought $100 worth of tickets so I used some of hers as she had heaps and it was so fun. They even had a mini ferris wheel! Its so good that I can look back at the past now without living in it. I know where I'm living now and lots of things to come and though sometimes I do wish I was there, I don't yearn for it and it doesn't make me dissatisfied with my life.

Today was Math EOY and I think I did okay. Later, Cory, Joyslyn, Sarah, Nicole and Iniki and me went to the hub and we ran into Darren in the underpass. Its getting to coincidental how much I'm running into him. Realisation, yet again. Realisation of how progessive a friendship we could have had if we hadn't had any of that romantic nonsense. Right now, I don't exactly know what we are, supposedly "friends" but "friends" is a very big and funny word sometimes. But all I know is that it bothers me when I think about things.

Its hard to believe the exams are nearly over. Streaming is nearly over. Chinese tomorrow. Tuition in an hour and I have to get down to studying. After that, Freda's coming over and we're off to MM.

I just wrote this weird thing

2007-10-06T23:04:00.000+08:00

Its 11:23 and this comes out of studying the whole day and truths going around in my head:

If so blinded are we
By the edits of every person's show
Then comfortable is just a dream
That everyone runs after continously

If silent words could draw a picture
Of the fog we failed to pierce through
It'd be so sweet
To see the truth

You can't see the light anymore
You can't taste the victory
You can't smell the aftermath
You can't touch the pieces

Maybe you thought this was precious
And its time to feel for the remote
Put it on replay and then rewind
To a time where there was no time

If silent words could draw a picture
Of the fog we failed to pierce through
It'd be so sweet
To see the truth

You can't see the light anymore
You can't taste the victory
You can't smell the aftermath
You can't touch the pieces

In this world maybe you'd believe me
But thats as far as I would go
Know that and keep on walking
Keep on walking

2007-10-06T13:29:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel as if it's never gonna end and sometimes I feel like its creeping up on me and I'm running out of time. Science, my most feared subject of all... oooooh, I tell you!

I'm starting to realise a lot of things now, as time goes by and not all of the, are the most comforting but they help.

and I've got Jaime's phone for the weekend...we swapped! :D

8 days to FREEDOM.

2007-10-03T16:57:00.000+08:00

THE EOYs have STARTED. Yes, I mean, last week it was English but still.
Today was history and the MCQ was so confusing. Haha, as Kenneth said, they are "very not straight forward". And for Chinese compo I crapped half the paper but had a very nice sleep after that and it was a good paper and as I said to my cousin Sheryl- what a way to evaluate a paper!

It still hasn't felt like streaming is here yet. Like, tomorrow's Lit and I'm doing all the notes and feel like I'm dying half way :D I feel like its the mid-year exams, not EOY!
I have about 8 days to freedom. UTTER FREEDOM FROM EXAMS FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR. And everyone knows after exams we have lovely activites planned for the rest of the year!

1. FREEDOM FREEDOM FREEDOM TO GO OUT!
2. Wild Wild Wet on the 12th with Cory, Joyslyn, Gloria, Sarah, Iniki and possibly Nicole. Cory has 6 free passes and we're all going WOOHOO!
3. YI- LISS (Life in the Spirit Seminar for Youth) I've been advertising for them :D
4. FEAST DAY WHERE WE'RE PLAING!
5. Botak Jones with Jeremy, Jason, Shawn, Julius and Freda, I promised after the exams were over I'd go AND we're supposed to have a movie marathon of all the American Pie Moviesa and Euro Trip and what not.
6. MOVIE MARATHON- long AWAITED since Mid-years! Includes the series HEROES, courtesy of Sarah Lim Hui Min!
7. YOUTH CAMP 2007!!! OMG youth camp 06: Smells like teen spirit ROCKED THE WORLD and everyones looking forward to this, besides, I've asked HEAPS of people from my class to come!
8. Cousin Emily is coming on her annual holiday to Singapore
and, something big I've been looking forward to for monthsL
9. Leon is COMING! Yes, my old neighbour and childhood playmate from New Zealand is coming down to spend Christmas with me!

See, I'm already fantasizing about the after-exam fun! but first I have to get through Literature, Science and Geography (Chinese is somewhat there), and I feel like I'll dieeeee before that. Sigh. Tatatatatatata.

Time doesn't heal wounds, God does

2007-10-01T22:00:00.000+08:00

Welllll monday comes and monday goes so fast!!! History on Wednesday, its hard to believe the finals are finally here. Finals are finally here. LOL!

Anyway. Goodness gracious me :D Today Iniki and me finished our EP project, a video on Sophie Scholl and I must say I do sorta like it, we had voiceovers from everyone except Nicole 'coz she didn't come today, rest well Nic, its sorta my fault, I think I passed my viral infection to you ):

Today I was able to help one of my close friends, I hope you're feeling better!!!

Um, well basically what happened today is Nat Foo sprinkled powder everywhere and it was slippery and deborah slipped and it was funny, yay go deb :D

Anyway. I almost forgot what I wanted to blog about. Well, things are healing eventually with time. I'm thinking about things less and less now. Gradually and getting back into the steam of life brilliantly.

I owe this all to my friends. All of you have been wonderfully there for me when I was wallowing ni misery, you pulled me out and helped me gain back the colour of life, thank you :D

2007-09-29T00:27:00.000+08:00

Today's been another smashing day!

We had the funnest PE lesson today!!!!! See, there were the Children's day Celebrations today over at the primary school so all of us while waiting for Mrs. Nicks and look wistfully over at the inflating bouncy slide and viking ship. So Mrs. nicks came along and was like "I wanna go!" and we actually weedled her into ASKING THEM IF WE COULD GO ON!!

Under the pretext of joggin 'round the track, we jogged 'till we were near and then Mrs. Nicks hollered if her girls could go on and they said YES! They needed some people to "Clean" the bouncy slide with their shirts. So we WENT!

Mrs Nicks first, then, me then Iniki, Sarah and Nicole and the rest of the class. We had so much fun sliding down before ANYONE then they opened the viking ship and I sat at the edge with Debs and as soon as it started swinging up and up I screamed for my life, me having little tolerance for heightment (excitement with height) and DEBORAH JEAN LEE SCREAMED TOO!!!!! I SWEAR!!!

She said she was just screaming for the fun of it and laughing at me 'coz apparently, according to Celeste and Catherine, I was "Screaming and holding onto the bar like I was in labour" and everyone found it funny. Hahah excuses, excuses DEBORAH.

FUNNESS. THEN WE PLAYED SOFTBALL. I so heart softball, its so funnnnn!!!! It was like being at a mini-carnival for us! <3 <3 <3 <3

Totally crapped SOVA. HAHAHA.

Lovely day :D

2007-09-27T17:30:00.000+08:00

Today was a good day!!! We started off with our drama exam. Nicole's group went first and she acted really well, storming off!

Then we watched Meishi's group, who were doing "Samsui woman" and Meishi was AWESOME as the main samsui woman!! Loved their group's play~ Then it was our turn. We missed a few lines and blubbered a bit and when it was me, Amanda Lee and Iniki's turn to grab the ang pau we grabbed it and Iniki's, being the thickest, spilled out, sending fake monopoly dollar bills everywhere and it was soooo funny!!!!!

Later Mr Armstrong told us he was impressed with the acting and the monologues, as we froze and said we acted very well :D

Later on for RME, we went to the chapel where Ms. Tan was and Kimberly had a slice of cake for her as it was her birthday... anyway we went in and I saw the clavinova so I went to sit down there and then Ms Tan saw me and was like "Do you want to play?" and I said yes so she got the plug out and I started playing "Heart Of Worship" though the keys were stiff like anyones business and felt horrible and then Ms Tan started talking and playing and I continued to accompany her.

Then someone started crying and soon, a lot of people had broken down and were crying!!! Apparently, I created the "atmosphere" and people started crying "because of the music at first" and Nicole kept on whispering to me to stop playing or else she'd start crying. It was lovely seeing everyone open up and have a breakthrough and it was really beautiful and everything thanks guys for your compliments!!!

Wow, I'm gonna miss 2/3 soo much! I've resolved all of my differences and have come to love my classmates. Today was something that bonded the class more and I'm sure gonna miss you guys :D!

My newwest decision.

2007-09-22T16:21:00.000+08:00

Hey guys, I was just typing an email to Asher and I told him about my latest decision so decided to put it here as well, since I was able to sum up my feelings on the matter rightly, I felt.

"Anyway lately I've been reading this book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris and I think its a great book because it uses a Christian context to examine dating in the world and when reading it I realised that I don't really need to "test the waters" because I know and have faith that God has my life planned out already and that if there is someone for me, he will lead me to that person and guide me through it.
It also encourages us to view our singleness as a gift, as a chance to serve God wholesomely.

Besides, realtionships at my age usually are based on a flase sense of security and like at this age, everyone is constantly changing and everything.

So I've concluded that just staying friends is the best. It generally has a lot less demands than relationships and also friendship doesn't have you in front of the mirror for 3 hours trying to decide what to wear. I find that when you're interested in someone, you want them to see you in a particular way and it makes you quite self-conscious at times.

I guess what I mean is that it presents room for a lot of complications as well, and I can see God does not clearly want me to be cluttered with emotional burden so I have decided to not play the game of dating"

I think there's a lot of truth as well, that in true friendship, you can be yourself and its much easier anyway. Of course there are gonna be heaps of obstacles and people that challenge my principals but I'm confident that my willpower is strong and that God will give me the perserverance and patience to see it through.

Oh yeah, and actually, dates are the worse place to get to know someone, don't you think? I mean, generally, you want someone to see you in a particular way so on a date you will definitely try to be that way and sometimes that way isn't true to yourself. To know someone well you also need to see how he or she reacts to other people. That means seeing them in normal, everyday life, where they are themselves to really see what they are like.

Comforting, yeah!

Exams baby.

2007-09-21T16:09:00.000+08:00

Helllllo. Exams and exams are coming up and up and UPPPP!!!!!! Oh goodness, English is NEXT WEEK, GASP! Everyone knows Sarah will do just fine as she's reading the English Dictionary now (I know, we all think she's crazy but she claims that its fun) :P Just kidding, Sarah!

Anyway. Yeah I have my study timetable out but whether I stick to it is another thing, procrastination has always been a strong point with me. In the midst of getting over things and moving on and studying, and GETTING well, its all been busy.

Gosh, I tell you I can hardly speak two sentences without coughing!!! But my viral infection is clearing up now. SLOWLY. So slow it seems impossible!!

Anyway, I shouldn't be on now, I should be studying GEOGRAPHY. And then tonight, I'll study HISTORY. Goodness gracious me, I'm so behind :D

Today we had fun running bases while throwing the balls around in practice for baseball/ softball and it was F-U-N!!! Hahaha really, we got a dozen laughs while at it and Mrs. Nicks really knows how to joke and make the lesson funnyyyyy. So, for once, I like PE, congratulate moi.

Everlasting Love.

2007-09-17T20:58:00.000+08:00

I'm SICK! Arghhhh, I've been sick for the past week or so!!! :/
Just visited the doctor and he said I have a viral infection AND a slight fever and he gave me MC for tomorrow. GREAT, now I have to miss more lessons!!! I had the viral infection last week, looks like it didn't completely go AWAYYYYY!!!!!
Spent the whole day feeling superbly lethargic and tired, and felt like my bones had gone to mush. Its surprising how comfortable your seat can get when all you want to do is joyfully lay your head down on the table for five winks.

Anyway, I've just started reading this book called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" because it was recommended in another good book I read. This book is excellent and it so very true!!! Not to get into relationships till the right time.

Rachel Joy Scot

2007-09-16T19:40:00.000+08:00

Today, I wore my SKINNY JEANS! Yes people, I actually own a pair, Linnette sold it to me and I didn't know it was skinny 'till I paid her :D

So yes and today was the exhibition! So many new guys joined MM and I'm gonna miss our group being small. Now, all these teenage boys will be there and me and Freda will be the only girls. I mean, its different when its older guys and just us girls, we're all able to be mature about it. But yeah, throw in 15 year old guys who think they're really cool.........greeeeattt!

So after that I went home with Freda and Colette for this video my dad was showing on this girl Rachel Joy Scot who was killed during the Columbine shootings. turns out Joel Lye, Michael Edwards and Darren came as well, met them downstairs.

Watching the video, its amazing. Her life is a testimony of God's power and grace. :D Awesome! Like, Rachel had several premonitions about what was going to happen and she knew God was preparing her for something. Somehow, as I was watching, it gave me a weird feeling as she wanted to be two things- an actress and a missionary which is what I want to become!!!

Sometimes I do wonder how long I'll live and how much of an impact I'll make.
God's presence in my life... God is always present, I guess its just about how much I acknowledge his presence. Well, he's in control of everything.

Not about the $$ we make.

2007-09-13T17:05:00.000+08:00

So life is going on and I'm getting over it. There's so much more to me so suck it up. Anyway last Sunday, we had Anthony's surprise birthday which turned out really sweet! I got the present 4rm Pam in the morning before mass and after mass we set off for Sumo house and waited there for like an hour before Anthony came and we were all "SURPRISE!", or at least Freda was, teehee.

Then the present that Ant's wanted 4 ages was some DD6 pedal which costs $xxx amount of money and we all chipped in and its like so small and Pam wrapped it with newspaper until it was huge and Anthony had fun unwrapping it and we had fun watching. So after all, it was really sweet thing!

Anyway. I'm so getting on my feet again and I got tuition in like......... 20 minutes and I have done like almost NO homework, I rushed to complete the VAT and tomorrow I have a stupid art test, the Escape test which I haven't gotten round to doing and better. Well, part of me doesn't want the night to come because lately, my emotions are going on a roller coaster ride and most of the time I'm confused and angry and I say my period must be coming :P (like you so needed to know that)

OH AND I GOT MY VOICE BACK! I can even SING now, WOOHOO and my voice should be as as good as new for singing 4 sunday's exhibition to showcase our ministry 4 the Cc3 attachment....... which I'm staying in MM! YEP and I'm SINGING! YES! And also dad's screening some movie on the Columbine killings.

Oh, and I felt the TREMOURS.

Drama exam next next week. GRIT TEETH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! EOYs COMING UP! Tata for now.

In the middle of the night.

2007-09-11T02:42:00.000+08:00

Well people. Its a Monday morning, 2:40am to be exact and I'm up doing my VAT with the sorest throat.

I can't even talk properly. I have to whisper, I've lost my voice. Apparently Iniki said I sounded like Lindsay Lohan. Okay........................

Well whats on my mind? DUH.

Goodnight people.

2007-09-09T16:16:00.000+08:00

This is the cycle of life. You sorta get into something and then when the bad comes you ask yourself why'd you believe this time would be different. And then there's the whole sitting in your room in the middle of the night with your thoughts bouncing against the walls and wishing you could die.

Well, people, emo much?

Not really. Just guys with dicks. Oh, I forgot. All guys have digs.

bugger :/

Ratatouille

2007-09-06T16:36:00.000+08:00

HELLO! Okay, on Tuesday night Freda, Anthony, Pat Mike and me went to DOME instead of having session and Pat Mike treated us on the occasion of Anthony's birthday.
We talked and Anthony had fun making me laugh with his funny jokes. We sat there musing and wondering HOW we're gonna make MM work with everything like this now but ohwells!

Freda then came to stay over at my house and we DID NAILS, yes FREDA PAINTED HER NAILS dark red. Like omg.

THEN next day went to see Ratatouille with Darren, Iniki and Nicole. Won't really go into elboartion about what went on while the cute little rat was running around but ohwells :P

Busy busy BUSY.

2007-09-04T13:27:00.000+08:00

Hey guys! Well, Darren's finally back from Johore and we got to talk a bit before he went of to bed last night. I went for Shine Jesus Shine at Novena with Kim and met Pam and everyone there. The rally rocked!! Kudos to Fr. simon Pereria for affirming us for PROMENADE! How many times the IjTp girls screamed and shouted and let everyone know our presence is uncountable. Hahahaha.

Well. Time is a bit hard to plan. Suddenly, both our schedules are conflicting, like I wanted him to come for Shine Jesus Shine last night but came back from Johore then. Today, we tried to arrange to talk on msn but something came up and we couldn't and later I'm not sure how because I have piano from 3-4pm and then I have Mm later on tonight. And on Friday, we both can't make each others events 'coz we have our own! He has his soccer match (which he invited me to come) and I have prayer Rally (which I invited him to come to)!! So its a bit hard and this is the holidays but we might go for a movie tomorrow or something......

Anyway, stuff is good otherwise. Got a good footing for my AEP VAT. OH!!! Yesterday was the AEP workshop and Iniki and crapped through this presentation we were suppoed to do and it came out surprisingly well! Our groups bonded a whole lot and got a lot of teasing from this guy called Elliot in Iniki's group. The camp was okay, except that the plaster was very brittle and led to a lot of problems and Iniki and me forgot to line the table with newspaper and we had a lot of cleaning up to do.

Anyway. SHINE JESUS SHINE. HAHAH. Anthony and Lionel were playing in the band and the place was decorated so nicely and there was a gentle breeze and Kim and me were in the front with a lot of CTK people. loved it, can't wait 4 friday! :D

Wonderful day :D

2007-09-01T21:37:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, the Teacher's day celebration was FUNNY!!! I was asked to reprise a part of my role as Appollinaire, and sing a verse from "Its No Fun To Be a Nun" in a skit the council was doing to make it mroe humuorous and it worked! People cheered and sang along to the last line with me. :D

Mummy baked cookies for me that we nice and we wrapped them and gave them to my teachers. So after saying hi to all the old girls like Sarren and Shona from LD and Audrey Lek from church, Iniki, Nicole, Sarah and me went to deliver presents to all the teachers which is always fun! The celebration WAS LOVELY, and all the teacher's dressed up according to the theme their department had been assigned, like the aesthetics dep, dressed us as the Flinstones, Mr Chan was SOOOOOOO FUNNY, he wore the whole outfit with the club and everything and Mrs. Zailee had a bone in her hair and a blue dress and her 2 twins came along dressed up as Pebbles and Bam-bam (JEREMY, hahahahah) and the Mother Tongue department was Harry Potter and Ms. Matsura dressed up in this tall wizards hat and glasses like a la a Professor and The English/ Lit dep. dressed up bollywood style which was sooo funny Mr. Armstrong wore this headress thingy and the Science dep. dressed up as cowboys!!!

We had our Star Awars where teachers were nominated and Samira and Doralyn emceed and it was great! I just came out on one part of the scene where everyone froze and sang my verse and di the whole drama thing and it was cool!

Afterward, Iniki, Nicole and me went to Macs and met Darren for lunch at the Hub. I was reaaaalllly nervous and not myself, and terribly self-conscious 'coz it was the first time Darren and me would be talking properly to each other face to face after everything (promenade was really brief) and later we would be going to watch Evan Almighty together since Iniki and Nicole couldn't make it. According to Iniki and Nicole, I just wasn't myself and I had a lot of weird expressions but we got to laugh a bit and break the ice but I wasn't properly myself until Darren and me got to J8 and then we walked around before the movie and had fun poking fun at each other, though he says it was a bit weird 'coz of the height difference and I come up to his stomach!!!! Well, everyone says it shouldn't matter as long as we really like each other and I guess it shouldn't and I hope I get used to it but we agreed to sit down more often.

So we sat in the movie theatre talking which was better and throughout the movie we laughed and talked and joked so it was really cool going to the pictures with him, I felt really comfortable with him! I'm so glad stuff settled down and became myself; don't know what I would have done if it hadn't. I'm also kinda glad Iniki and Nicole couldn't make it because it gave Darren and me a chance to get used to each other and find out and I must say, I had a good time!

Nothing happened in the movie theatre that couples do or anything and I don't really mind 'coz I had a good time anyway.

I think that maybe this could really work, maybe somewhere in future, but I'm really comfortable where we are now and we do have all the time in the world! The thing is, I'm not highly infautated with him, as in, I like him but I'm in control of my emotions and I'm able to think properly and not be rash or anything. It also keeps me from going really up to really down and it helps me remain calm and everything. We talked afterward on MSN and now he's in Johore for a Geography trip and I'm gonna miss him 'coz we've talked everday for the past 10 days, on MSN, texting and once on the phone and now face to face and he's only gonna be back on Monday afternoon. But you know, time is on our side! Besdies, this could be like a mini-test for us to see if we only like each other because of the hype of talking to each other everyday. I don't think we do, really, and this is a good way to show it isn't like that!

:D

2007-08-30T15:32:00.001+08:00

9th birthday @ IMAX

Andrew, Olivia, Bridget, Nicole, Me, Alexandra, Lauren and Erin

Hey guys! Sorry I've been changing skins so often, its very hard to find one and settle down. I chose this skin because it reminds me of NZ, Takapuna beach where Bridget stays. I remember after mass, sometimes my parents would let me go to her house and since she lived so near we'd walk back. One memorable afternoon, her dad was having lunch near by and we decided to walk home first. We walked along the beach talking and presently took off our shoes. I was wearing my white dress and she was wearing a navy blue one (we were about 8 or so).

Bridget then has this brilliant idea that we should run and dive into the waves lapping up against the sand and I was shocked and said "But I have my dress on!!" and she said "Its alrite, my mum can wash it for you", however, being the good girl I was I was like "Nah, its okay" and then Bridget handed me her shoes and ran and jumped in the waves with a "Yahooooo!" and I remember her shaking her head and the water coming out of her brown hair while I laughed and screamed on the beach. It was great fun watching her do that and when she got home she was all wet and her mum gave her a towel.

One of my favourite memories, Takapuna beach (: Oh, such plays we used to have!

Bridget, me and her older sister, Annie used to do little plays. I remember once we took it from an Archie comic but all I remember of that skit was going around with a green towel draped over me like a funeral march to "Greensleeves" from their keyboard.

Annie did the introducing and she wore a bright red bra on top of her shirt and that night when we performed it for Mr and Mrs Gilmour and her two brothers Mark and Ian, when she said "The End" and took a bow with the shield over her chest, she "Accidentally-on-purpose showed the bra and said "Opps!" and everyone laughed

I do remember boogie-boarding, or trying to as well, when I went swimming. And I remember looking out of their really nice house's French Windows and seeing the sea stretch horizontally and Bridget pointing to her dad and brothers windsurfing. We had just made our "American-styled" milo (I thought it was, because I didn't make Milo like that and Bridget was American) which consisted of pouring a glass of milk and adding power and mixing it all in later.

Oh, I also remember teaching her brothers Ian and Mark how to use chopsticks with pens. Which reminds me, I used to sort of like Ian. He was kinda cute :D

Sleeping over in Bridget's house was cool, because I'd get to sleep in her guest room, and you could pull out the beds from the cupboards and her mum used to kiss us goodnight. I remember she had a movie room, which was lined with bookshelves with all these leather-bound books, and some of them were plays I used to read and it was all dark and nice with a leather sofa and surround sound.

She used to have a elextric fireplace, where I used to sit and play the "Bop it" toy. She had a staircase going up, it was big and round and one going down to where they were which was nice because they kept budgies.. Upstairs was the guest room and her parent's rooms and there was a big chandelier.

Bridget was one of my best friends, and memories with her are plenty :D

When you push her aroundl

2007-08-29T16:09:00.000+08:00

HELLO! Yes, I'm blogging again from just now. Which was in the morning. And now its in the afternoon duh.

I guess Geography was okay but I'm totally screwed for Science. I spent last night studying adn talking to Darren online. I'm finally coming clean on what all these weird posts are about.
Well, during Promenade, I met Iniki's cousin Darren Hedger whose really really talk.

Last Tuesday, I took Iniki's phone and scrolled randomly down her contacts and saw Darren's name and decided to prank him. So I did and he was able to guess who I am and we've been talking ever since. He's really really nice and I we click really well and I think I've got something here!

We agreed to take it real slow and get to know each other first, and me, being me, is afraid of getting carried away with my emotions. I'm ejoying getting to know him and I think this'll be one heck of a journey.

Anyway got to go to the Paragon in a while to practice n the piano and then home again. JOY!

And past you it goes

2007-08-29T07:50:00.000+08:00

These last few days have been busy for me. In between studying and looonggg MSN convos with a certain someone, I hope I do okay in the exam.
I had no idea he was coming. Most of the time, its unexpected and I'm quite surprised that this is happening, though somehow taking in calmy. You know?
And differences between us make it more interesting and talking online, on the phone, or texting is never a bore.
I just gotta connect the person to the perception?

On a less strange note,
I'm in class now!!! haha EP and the exam is like in a few hours. Go me, yay. Gosh. TIREDNESS.
but I wake up every morning wondering what he's doing. Ohmy, gotta tell myself to take it slow, slow AMANDa.

When memories fade;

2007-08-27T20:40:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, you don't see things coming.
Meeting new people and people say you got lucky.
But it ain't luck, folks!!! As they say "Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous"
Awesome isn't it?
Well, God isn't remaining anonymous, of if he is I can see through it!

Life is good, new experiences now and its awesome.

Time is on our side; we're leaving everything behind.......

HEY.

2007-08-22T08:36:00.000+08:00

After the initial after-show blues you start to realise the joy of coming home early.

Yes, I've enjoyed coming home earlier the last few days but the lure of the computer has pulled me and I'm always in my "I'll study later mood". Well, now I'm in school and its the 2nd period of the day...EP which basically is free computer time. I can see across from me where Nicole is playing an animated game of chess, Celeste next to me is reading Harry Potter fanfic and everyone's either on Friendster, surfing blogs or youtube. I think the teacher has given up everything, the class just relishes its freedom.

I'm smart enough to grab a computer facing the wall so getting caught isn't really an option unless the teacher deicdes she wants to stretch her legs for a bit. But even those in clear view of her don't seem to care much.

Anyway I just realised I do have a ton of homework to complete and can't wait 'till the exams are over. CAs, to be exact and there isn't like there's so much to study. Oh yeah, you hear the crowds cheer.

Also, things are happening to my emotional self. Like, is it possible to like and hate someone at the same time? Apparently it is or I wouldn't be inn a dlimena would I?
Jerk.

On the other hand, I've been really tuned into my mp3 player. Finally got Paperthin Hymn off my mind, now stuck on this song Candle Burn by Olpaine or something. Its a really good song!

Oh, Kyle from the Click 5 is HOTNESS. Haha okay though its late of me, his "Jennyyyy, whats the problem" in that voice makes me go all "oooohlala". Really. Hothothot. Except for the skinny jeans. And you know how I feel about skinny jeans. But nevertheless, Kyle is sexy. SEXAYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Oh, now there's a new thing in class (town). Bring your stuff toys for comfort during lesson. I bought 2 TY toys yesterday. I named one "Sammy" Sampson (Original name) Alphonsus Leo and Theodora Gigi (Original Name) Leo. Don't ask with the names, I was once-upon-a-time crazy.

I thought you said forever.

2007-08-20T21:09:00.001+08:00

So the first day back at school after promenade.

Everyones blue and when I saw Kim today I ran outside to hug her. Man, suddenly everyone has to get on with their lives again, its all very sad. I don't want to lose the magic we had, I don't want to forget the memories.

Today was good, actually. TAF wasn't that bad, we got a new trainer called Mr. Fadzil who looks a bit South-African and speaks well and laughs at everything. Samantha Shum and me just kept up the jokes and we had a good time. Lol. Then for AEP, we planned this workshop our school, namely WE, the Sec2 AEP girls are hosting and it'll be fun. We've got heaps of great ideas!!!

We're all gathering together and singing the songs. Came home at 6:00 and felt good to be home at daylight. And everything is starting to clear up, and we're starting to STUDY! CAs are around the corner next week but it feels like everything will be over soon. Its good to be back at school!

But I miss promenade. Everything about it. I miss it. Listening to the songs when I got home gave me a right sense of after-show blues. Thanks to everyone who made it what it was. The bonds forged, the memories shared.... I wanna hold on tight.

"Paperthin Hymn". Haha listened to it like 5 times today. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.

Promenade Theatre 07

2007-08-19T00:00:00.000+08:00

The memories. More than WORDS.Tonights run was unbelievable. There was magic and I was inspired.

more photos.

THURSDAYS NIGHT

2007-08-17T17:18:00.000+08:00

Hey guys! So yesterday was the FIRST show!!! Well, well, well. I actually liked it, and my parents were there and Jason, Jeremy and Shawn were there and apparently everyone loved it!!
Right now, I'm in makeup in the mic headQs and BLOGGING. It just stopped raining :D

Anyway. People have been really nice and I've been extremely gratified to be called "cute and good". Hm. Or, "fat". But as longas I was pleasing, GREAT (:

The Cd's been selling really well!! Anyway we're supposed to be on standby to mop the floor. Guess the tribal raindance really worked

(*:

We can help you live the journey

2007-08-16T16:37:00.000+08:00

Hey guys! Its the big day and I'm sitting in the com. lab/ mic station blogging. Its thursday! Its Thursday!!! Okay, yesterdays run wasn't that great, didn't like it.

So I'm completely made up and hooked up with the mics. So this super uber long journey to where I am today. Yes friends, I've experience it all, egos blowing up, betrayals, awful singing, waiting up and getting tired up by the endless rehearsals. Yet, how do I feel after it? Pretty good, I must say.

Only you know, the little itty bitty things happening, its quite shocking how big everythings blown up. I've lost a good relationship with a friend.
but on the other hand, this experience has been awesome. Awesome in the awesome. I can't believe its all gonna be over soon!!

So for those watching the grand show tonight, ENJOYYY!!!!!

LETS GO!

2007-08-15T12:22:00.000+08:00

Promenade is TOMORROW. OMG, this is like FREAKY. Time has passed by SO FAST.

TOMORROW TOMORROW. yesterday was the trial audience and that in that was a show for us. Tan Kheng Hua and ther husband came, Kit Chan and her manager ccame!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG and I went SO OFF yesterday during the song ): I felt like I didn't do my best ):

But apparently, they loved Appollinaire, during the curtain call someone shouted "AMANDA YOU ROCK!" and I was so shocked and jsut went thank you, thank you though I couldn't see anyone cos of the lights!!!!!!! But THANK YOU to whoever said that!!!!!!!!! And everyone laughed and then the IJ Spirit Song erupted and I didn't know half the words but I sang the first and last part while grinning at Iniki. And everyone seemed to laugh at whatever I said and well apparently, yes they loved me. Mrs. Regina Lee said everyone was asking who am I!!!!!!!!!!!!

Glad to be appreciated sometimes (:

TODAY we're having a bit of audience too! ROSIE from Phua Chu Kang is coming!! Suddenly all these professional people are coming and its like WHOASA!!!!!

Promenade is nearly over and the fun has just begun. For all those who have got tickets, I think you'll like it!

The feeback yesterday was "Awesome!" and they were all blown away according to Uncle Wenfu and they loved it. SO AWESOME.

STAY TUNED FOR TONIGHTS RUN!

JACOB KRAEMER

2007-08-11T20:56:00.000+08:00

I don't know many of you watch Naturally Sadie, but you know, the revamped show is AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME.

Its staryed from its animal/science thingy to a more teen serial. And if thats not good enough, JACOB KRAEMER will be able to change your mind. Omg, Marrissa and me are SO IN LOVE with him. He plays Sadie's boyfriend (HE IS! HE IS!), Ben Harrison.

YES! Thats Jason Kreamer, the director and Charlotte Arnold! I L-O-V-E his golden locks.

That show completely ANNOYED and entertained me. Do you know how MANY times they've ALMOST KISSED? Like, more than 3. I SWEAR. Its ALWAYS interrupted. He's pure hotness. You may not think so at first, but he's a fantastic actor and he'll catch your heart. So, tune into Naturally Sadie, 8:30pm on Nickelodeon EVERYDAY. I know Marrissa and me will!

And you know, now these shows, e.g. Unfabulous, Naturally Sadie have seemed to have their leads about a head shorter than their boyfriends/love interests/crushes. Still there's hope for the ones unseen... LOL! Completely UNINTENTIONAL! That's quite funny. Unseen, short. HAHA. Anyway like Addie and Randy Klein (support RK, NOT Jake Behari!), and Sadie and Ben!!! Makes me feel better anyway!!!!!

Anyway today had our "sound check run" which involved hooking Marrissa, Iniki, Kimberly, Linnette, Celeste, Eugenia and Rachelle to mics and testing the sound, adjusting volumes, etc. Basically, we all spent one heck of a time in the com lab surfing. So Marrissa and me checked out Naturally Sadie on youtube and found this AWESOME VIDEO where they DO kiss.

It was like FINALLY! The moment I've waited for (after hundreds of thumping the couch cusion cos they ALMOST kissed), I was watching and half yelping and grabbing Marrissa (we were squealing like a couple o' guinea pigs) and just as their lips almost touched, the person CUT IT to another scene!!!!! I kicked the table and Iniki was trying to restrain me and we all doubled up in laughter. It was SO funny, actually coz we had told Iniki about it. But we got our kiss in the last part, like, 3 seconds of it before it ended!!!!!!! But it was rather weird I must say.

Anyway promenade is a WEEK away. OMG, this is so freaky. CANT WAIT CANT WAIT!

Rubbish, nonsense.

2007-08-09T13:40:00.000+08:00

I'm feel so unbelieveably surreal now. Why?
Because my days have gone from jam-packed and happening to free.

I shall not start off by being a patriotic "happy-birthday-singapore" citizen. Pur-lease. Why would I waste time over that?

Anyway. I feel like I'm in a daze. Well, I am! I've gotten so busy, I'm such a busy-bee now that free time is laughable. Yet here I am, typing away, I mean, its National Day and all its good for is a HOLIDAY! Yeah yeah yeah. I really really wish I was at rehearsal now. What is WRONG with me? Last night I couldn't have said the same thing, could I?
No wonder people in Hollywood get so sucked up, I mean, this meaningless nothing has to be filled with doing something (only, we all know that they fill their time doing stupid media stunts, how stupid is that?) . Yes, when I finally get a short break, I'm just worrying myself for nothing.
And promenade isn't even over.

Oh, yes haven't I been waiting? It seems like its gonna be over so soon, yet its taking so long. And now the fun starts!! yes,night runs, night runs! Wow-wee. I like it actually. Makes me feel like SOMETHING is finally getting into place.

Some say I've got it all in my hands. But have I? The talent? Maybe, maybe, yes I do? I've recieved so much affirmation on that its making me dizzy. I don't know. Right now I'm blabbering coherently because I'm filling time and space here.

Its what comes with being an "Amanda". Don't aks me why, thats the way it is. Yes.

Its at these moments I can be surprisingly irrational.
Oh yes, I feel like continuing this war between us, but everyone knows people who bitch about other people on their blogs are just childish. I, for one, refuse to do that now.

Prayer Rally, sigh. Prayer rally, sigh. Oh, it'll be over soon. I hope. I hope I make it 'till there. HELLO? Its all in a MESS. yes this is all messed up. The practices, the leadership, everything here is messed up. And I don't have the time or the ability to commit to set it right now.\

Caught up in my life, I've almost forgotten him. Almost. but thats as close as it gets.

Byebye.

Jenny, whats the problem?
I heart Kyle.

When I'm sick, the thoughts kick in

2007-08-07T19:33:00.000+08:00

Hey guys. I'm down with a cold so I've been at home nursing it. I guess the night run has already started. Shit, staying at home has really made me actually miss it enough.

I was reading and thinking back on stuff. I was just reading some of my old diary entries (as I do sometimes) and laughing hard. Thats sort of the reason why I don't keep one anymore- that and the fact I can't be bothered. Unlike Sarah who faithfully writes everyday and you know just keeps going on and on. I gotta say, Sarah really has a thing for the English language!

Anyway suddenly, I'm so glad I've escaped the world of neighbourhood schools. The past...everything... I'm so glad I'm in IJ now, I'm in Christ The King and out of that world. I'm where I belong here.
Reading my old diaries is like revisiting old memories. Quite funny, how I thought I was old enough for a boyfriend, how I tried to act so grown up. Yeah, it really cracks me up. Probably not as much as when I'm like 18 or something. I'll probably laugh at when I was 15. Isn't that how it goes?

15 birthday= funnnnnnn.

2007-08-05T15:29:00.000+08:00

HELLOOOOOOO :D

Well, seeing blogger has now sorta made in mandatory for you to click on the picture for a CLEARER image, you will have to.

I would say I actually liked my birthday "party" (it was more like a gathering) and here is the group picture, but we're missing quite a few people who left earlier (:

Well, all I can say, mixing groups of friends is quite difficult, it wasn't the best idea.

But well, I DID have fun, and darling Joel did tell me that its my party, and as long as I had fun, thats all that mattered. Well, we watched Phantom of the Opera, and its thrilling scenes did make the whole romance of the movie so sweeeeeet.

Iniki and Nicole turned up as total babes, they looked like exotic dancers and everyone was gushing about how sexy they look!

I was glowing with pride, like:

------------------------------------->OVER HERE <------------------------------------------

Those are my BESTEST FRIENDS!, yes, the SEXY ONES!!! (grin)

Anyway, everyone loved my mum's food and we ate so much and I LOVED my presents!!!

I got a box full of girly pampering goodies from Kim, Annemarie, Lynette, Marie and Natalie!

I had sparkly dark red nail polish, lip gloss, 2 pairs of hoops and a pair or earrings, 2 Aloe Vera face masks (I tried one on last night, it totally rocked and was UBER RELAXING! My face was smooth when I woke up. I actually fell asleep with it on :D), eyeshadow..... OH GOODIE PACK!

From Charissa, I had this really nice butterfly neckalce with those nice silky chains and a PATRICK BALLOON! and Lucas gave me this dream catcher necklace made by his sister that is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! And Kenneth gave me this nice charm bracelet with a cross on it! I say, YEAH, bring ON the jewellry!

Nicole also game me this naughty bedside lamp that produced a laugh!!

Iniki gave me this really nice bag, Colette gave me a nice marshmallow pillow, Celeste gave me MERCI CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!! and Catherine gave me those cute little perfect daughter books and a notepad from korea!! OH!!! jason, Jeremy and Shawn gave me the LATEST HILLSONG ALBUM!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE U GUYS!

Oh and Iniki, Nicole, Natalie Kee and me had a very nice game of LIFE!

This is how Iniki's love life ended up:

haha she's the ORANGE!!!

No advice on the tagboards needed

2007-08-01T22:46:00.000+08:00

Hey guys. I've been so busy and somethings eating into me. Its making me all annoyed and irritated.
Maybe primarily it started out with one of my friendships affected. Condescending comments, lies and asumences (is that a word)? I don't know. Slowly, its crept up on me.

Promenade is driving me a bit crazy with the scheduling. Boy am I gonna be glad when its over!

I can't seem to get my head around refined. Everyones telling me to be more refined. Yeah, I want to be but sometimes I jsut get carried away. No, I don't want advice, yes I know I'm outspoken, no I don't want any advice, keep it to yourself, thankyouverymuch.

Sometimes its hard for me even to say what I think. Surprisingly, I shut up about a lot of my thoughts. Especially about those close to me. Maybe I should be more assertive in taking people away privately and telling them my thoughts. Oh, I don't know.

I really need a calmness now. The answer is so simple,. yet so difficult to get to: God. If I can calm myself down just to be in his presence, I can.

Life is so demanding.

And I'm not really as oblivious as I look. Wait, I don't even look oblivious. I can see clearly whats going on every week. And I'm not playing any more games.